I came very close to doing something stupid yesterday and ordering a quack diet pill. Those things are so tempting. The rationale for me is, "Who cares if it's a little dangerous? Being overweight is dangerous!" But no. I did some internet research and of course there's no real research. Disappointing. If there were a pill I'd buy it like that. I'm not in a very good place with food just now. I'm frustrated and over-full. Here's one problem. Yesterday after the big lunch, I was full. But I WANTED to be hungry for dinner so I could eat rolls and dipping sauces and bacon. Tonight too. I have a totally free night. I even walked home from work early to pick up the car to pick up the newly fixed car, so I can drive home and not feel guilty. I'm going to put up the outdoor Christmas tree and do a little cleaning and Thanksgiving planning, but mostly I'm going to kick back and watch Sherlock. AND I want food with this. I want to be hungry and I want to satisfy that hunger with something appealing like mall greek food, or maybe Zupas, or maybe costa vida. I don't know, but I don't want anything reasonable. In the back of my mind I think I was fantasizing about my pregnancy eating. That was intuitive and I lost a TON of weight ---or at least 30 pounds very quickly. I figured out that I can't do that. I'm not pregnant and not nauseous and my appetite is back to it's normal voraciousness. When I was losing weight being pregnant I probably was eating 1200 cal or less. It's what my body AND mind wanted then. My mind now wants more like 5,000 cal a day and my body is saying, "Sure, bring it on." I CAN'T diet. Literally. Sure I could go back to my program and that's going to last how long? It's still tempting, because it's much more agreeable to me then weight watchers was and I did lose weight on weight watchers. Could I lose even more on my plan before I self-destruct? Can I stick to it long enough to actually hit maintenance? I'm I approaching the "I'm so fed up with being fat that I'll do anything?" Yes. I often wonder if I had done something more reasonable than the Diet Center in college if I would have succeeded? I got quite far, but it was a ridiculous program. If weight watchers was anything realistic would I have gotten farther last time? i don't know.
Wow---many hours later. Not sure what happened. Whatever it was it was the voice of pure addiction. Full blown mind freeze automaton behavior. I was moderately hungry. I went to Costa Vida and got a sweet pork quesadilla with double sour cream and guac and chip and salsa AND queso dip. Took it home, and finished the first episode of Sherlock and all of the quesadilla and a good half of the chips. I'm stuffed, but I want a reeses cup too. What is this?? I seriously considered trying my plan again in January which does several things. Undermines any trust that I have in myself that I can even stick to a plan NOT to diet, while giving me relief that the problem will be addressed soon while still allowing me to eat like a pig tonight and all the next month. This is wholly impervious to logic. What am I trying to do? Gain as much as I possibly can--maybe as a buffer so that even if I lose weight I'll still not go below what I'm comfortable with? Whoa. Gotta explore THAT thinking. What's so scary about being normal weight? Do I really think I'll suddenly be Sandra Bullock knockout gorgeous? I'm 50 years old! But I do have nice proportions. I will look a lot better. Am I afraid of being discontented? Why? I can do anything I want. More, if I'm normal weight.
More thinking about that later. For now, there is LOTS to be grateful for today
1. The car is fixed!!
2. I can drive it to Provo tomorrow and get my girl!
3. She doesn't have to have exploratory surgery
4. We can go Thanksgiving shopping together.
5. Christine sent an email today
6. The car has new tires, so even if it rains/snows I should be ok.
7. Daves plane arrives at the most convenient possible time.
8. Last night's lecture was interesting
9. Fun books at the library today
10. I didn't feel like spending a million dollars at Deseret Book
11. The Ogden temple is open
12. Jill said yes to the office Christmas tree.
13. Chris Marx has a new grandbaby and seems to be recovering from her weber disaster
14. Printing out the banners for Major Fest won't be that hard
15. Beautiful warm day! I walked to work and set up the outside tree
16. My addiction, while bad, could be sooo much more dangerous
17. Wise books/people that help me to understand/forgive Christine
18. That I kept track of everyone's donation so I could easily refund it yesterday
19. That I feel needed in this world
20. That "A Christmas Carol" was checked in so I can use it for my talk.
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