Dave went to Provo to surprise Catherine with the traditional first day of school McDonald's breakfast. He says she was super happy to see him (he also took her to lunch) and seems to be doing great. The dorm looks nice, she's been getting out and meeting people, had all her syllabi printed and had READ them and overall seems determined to be a good student. All her AP and transfer work is in so she's starting college as a sophomore. Dave was really pleased and proud. I am too. It makes all the difference. We'll have to see what we can do by way of cheerleading in a month or so when the newness has worn off. She also texted me that the creamery has great fat free milk and lowfat cheese. I'll have to try the cheese! I'd love to find a lowfat variety that I like. She's down a couple of pounds which is great. She doesn't really have much to lose--she only went overboard last Christmas like I did and hasn't dropped the weight. She's taking a nutrition class and some of her roommates are health nuts, plus she has to walk up hill everyday so all that will help.
As for me, I'm doing ok too. 190 this morning--again far better than I deserve considering last week. Jennifer gave me a recipe for some oatmeal from steel cut oats that simmer in the crock pot all night. Not bad! I'm not raving about it like she is, but not bad. And definitely filling. A great breakfast. I had some points last night and wanted something chocolate, so I browsed through the ww receipes and found some chocolate chocolate cookies for 1 point a piece. Also, not bad! I brought some in for Jennifer. Both receipes will be in my yellow binder.
Yesterday I also got back to the strength training. NOT so much fun. The gym seemed hot, and I forgot that the beginning of fall semester would have an impact. It was much busier--I had to jumble up my routine to get on the machines, and full of perfect 18 year old bodies. I can't even imagine being as fit as some of these people. It's not just that they're young, it's that they are really really really fit. I'm flat out jealous--but still not willing to do the work to get there. It's just easier to grumble. Mostly, though I think it was just hot and seemed to take a long time. Dave called right at the beginning and I stopped and got the oatmeal receipe so he could get the ingredients. Walking home from the gym is slightly longer and it was over 90 degrees. I stopped at smiths for chocolate chips for the cookies. Anyway--I get off at 5 and with the 1/2 hour workout I didn't get home until 6:45. Long. But that's ok. I'll try again on Tuesday. The students will work themselves out and so will the weather. And even though I don't feel as though I accomplished anything--I'm sure it helped me get back to the 190. 190 is technically exactly where I need to be now at the end of August. I'll be super glad to see the 180's again. Today should be right on track--I've put everything into the ww site and it's all planned. The oatmeal for breakfast with milk. Some fancy irish cheese with lunch, sweet and sour chicken for dinner (still seems wrong to me that brown and white rice count the same point-wise). And cookies for dessert for both lunch and dinner. I walked to work. And depending how hot it is, I might mow the lawn too. A good day.
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
Monday, 29 August 2011
149 Co-dependent
Sheesh, talk about co-dependent. I'm sitting here worrying about whether or not my sister will approve of what I've done toward Riley's baptism. In a way there's good reason to worry. It's extremely difficult to plan anything with or for my family--there is every chance that anything I have in mind will be undermined at the last minute. That I can deal with--in fact, I don't even care very much--so long as Riley is reasonably happy on the day I don't care about the trappings. What I CAN'T deal with is Lisa if she's mad at me. I'm thinking about the reasons for this. I'm unhappy if anyone is mad at me, but Lisa is a special case. She has too much power. She can, if she wants, make me feel worse than anyone else in the world. (a power she has never used by the way) The huge guilt in my life is that I didn't save my sisters when my family went nuclear. It's probable I couldn't have anyway, but the fact that I didn't do what I might have is what haunts me. I cowered in my own emotional bomb-shelter. Christine is so damaged that she doesn't even realize what happened, so she doesn't blame me, and is consequently a million times easier to deal with. If she ever starts to heal, then I'm in for a world of deserved anger from her. Lisa, on the other hand, is crystal clear on exactly what I did and didn't do and the effects of it on her and everyone else. I have no defense. She's right.
It shouldn't matter--there is absolutley nothing she can possibly say that I haven't thought of a million times on my own. Why should it matter to have what I already know verified? It matters. A lot. She could stab me through the heart and leave me pinned like a bug on a mat. She would never do that intentionally I don't think--but only because she doesn't realize she COULD do that to me.
This is something I obviously need to deal with. I need to make peace with who and what I was and who I am. It would be easier if I was now a completely different person than I was then. I'm not. I AM better. I little braver, a little more able to what's necessary. But I'm a long way from being who I needed to be back then. By the time I get there I'll probably be in my 90's and a fat lot of good that will be.
Enough of that for now. I'm glad to write it out a little bit. It is is the huge issue in my life and it impacts weight loss because losing weight seems so trivial in comparison. But it isn't trivial. Becoming a better person in every way myself will impact those around me. As I lose weight both phyical and emotional I'll be better able to deal with issues both past and present. So. Deep Breath. What happens happens. I'm doing the best I can now, and I can accept my efforts regardless of the fall out.
Food and exercise-wise doing well again. Sunday School teacher brought chocolate and I was waaaaay too interested in the hershey nugget (ate it, even though it was off plan), but other than the nugget was more or less happily in control. I made naan bread--and today will enjoy two pieces---for breakfast today I had a naan with spinach and bacon and for lunch I'll have naan with cheese, plus a cup of soup and fruit. We'll finish the Italian loaf for dinner and I'll still have six points left for dessert or popcorn. Not bad. We're having a heat wave, but the mornings are gorgeous (love Utah!), so I walked to work and will do the weight routine after work. It'll probably be boiling hot on the way home, but since it's on the way home where I can cool off, I don't mind too much.
It shouldn't matter--there is absolutley nothing she can possibly say that I haven't thought of a million times on my own. Why should it matter to have what I already know verified? It matters. A lot. She could stab me through the heart and leave me pinned like a bug on a mat. She would never do that intentionally I don't think--but only because she doesn't realize she COULD do that to me.
This is something I obviously need to deal with. I need to make peace with who and what I was and who I am. It would be easier if I was now a completely different person than I was then. I'm not. I AM better. I little braver, a little more able to what's necessary. But I'm a long way from being who I needed to be back then. By the time I get there I'll probably be in my 90's and a fat lot of good that will be.
Enough of that for now. I'm glad to write it out a little bit. It is is the huge issue in my life and it impacts weight loss because losing weight seems so trivial in comparison. But it isn't trivial. Becoming a better person in every way myself will impact those around me. As I lose weight both phyical and emotional I'll be better able to deal with issues both past and present. So. Deep Breath. What happens happens. I'm doing the best I can now, and I can accept my efforts regardless of the fall out.
Food and exercise-wise doing well again. Sunday School teacher brought chocolate and I was waaaaay too interested in the hershey nugget (ate it, even though it was off plan), but other than the nugget was more or less happily in control. I made naan bread--and today will enjoy two pieces---for breakfast today I had a naan with spinach and bacon and for lunch I'll have naan with cheese, plus a cup of soup and fruit. We'll finish the Italian loaf for dinner and I'll still have six points left for dessert or popcorn. Not bad. We're having a heat wave, but the mornings are gorgeous (love Utah!), so I walked to work and will do the weight routine after work. It'll probably be boiling hot on the way home, but since it's on the way home where I can cool off, I don't mind too much.
Sunday, 28 August 2011
148 Dave with me
Quick post tonight. Dave, who was successful before on WW is going to count points with me again. He's gone up a bit and wants to regain control. Again--if ww was the total answer, he wouldn't have gone back up to begin with. Still, it IS very helpful to have a concrete plan to fall back on. It isn't always easy to work on your personal demons. I don't think he'll get very many more points than I do on the new plan--that'll help me with resentment. I hope we can help each other. He's very faithful once he decides to do something like this. I hope I'll find that helpful and not just annoying. Planned points today for the leftover chocolate ice-cream. mmmmm.
Saturday, 27 August 2011
147 Justin
Ok---strange and unexpected diet detour COMPLETE. We celebrated our new found empty nest freedom with dinner at the union grill where I ate pretty much an entire wedge of Brie cheese. Happily, my fajitas were really mediocre--not that that stopped me from eating plenty, but it does help with the idea of future cravings. Today is really the first in a lot of ways. I finally got some sleep, and I have the whole day to do things that I want and need to do--practice the harp, study for my stats class, do some dancing on the wii (Just dance is a HECK of a workout), work on Catherine's mural ,and reorganize at least one thing in the house. This house is so tiny that it's a constant battle to keep things from overflowing. Plus there are a lot of shelves and things that have stuff on them, but it isn't really the best stuff that could be there.
Food-wise. Sheesh. I had hoped today could be a fresh start with an easily planned day. Nope. Me and Dave have to go to the educators picnic tonight. It's a good thing--we need to make some friends, and it will be ok food-wise too because I will plan lots of points for it and be careful. But still.... Sometimes (ok, all the time) I wish the whole business would be easier!
Yesterday was the famous flash mob. It was fun. My performance was a mediocre as it could be, but fun just the same. Also at the block party was Justin--the latest winner from The Biggest Loser! My RS meetings are smack in the middle of the show so I haven't caught the last few seasons. Still, it was interesting to talk to him! They work out 4 to 8 hours a day. And there is NO counseling or psychological support AT ALL!! I thought there was at least a little!! What a disservice!! If there's one thing I'm convinced of it is that food and exercise are only a very SMALL part of the problem. Losing weight isn't about watching what you eat as much as it is about things like courage, patience, grief, fear, guilt, anger and every other emotion. Justin told me how much harder it is to be at home with pressure from family and friends to be the person he used to be. He doesn't want to go back, but it sounds like the show gave him zero help in moving forward. I'll have to look up the episode recaps. This kind of thing makes me so mad. He seemed like a nice guy. I hope he can maintain his success, but his odds aren't very good. The thing I need to do is to stop being so angry on other people's behalf and DO something about it. In this case lose weight myself AND get my book out there! Even if the only copy I ever sell is to my mother, I can at least try.
Food-wise. Sheesh. I had hoped today could be a fresh start with an easily planned day. Nope. Me and Dave have to go to the educators picnic tonight. It's a good thing--we need to make some friends, and it will be ok food-wise too because I will plan lots of points for it and be careful. But still.... Sometimes (ok, all the time) I wish the whole business would be easier!
Yesterday was the famous flash mob. It was fun. My performance was a mediocre as it could be, but fun just the same. Also at the block party was Justin--the latest winner from The Biggest Loser! My RS meetings are smack in the middle of the show so I haven't caught the last few seasons. Still, it was interesting to talk to him! They work out 4 to 8 hours a day. And there is NO counseling or psychological support AT ALL!! I thought there was at least a little!! What a disservice!! If there's one thing I'm convinced of it is that food and exercise are only a very SMALL part of the problem. Losing weight isn't about watching what you eat as much as it is about things like courage, patience, grief, fear, guilt, anger and every other emotion. Justin told me how much harder it is to be at home with pressure from family and friends to be the person he used to be. He doesn't want to go back, but it sounds like the show gave him zero help in moving forward. I'll have to look up the episode recaps. This kind of thing makes me so mad. He seemed like a nice guy. I hope he can maintain his success, but his odds aren't very good. The thing I need to do is to stop being so angry on other people's behalf and DO something about it. In this case lose weight myself AND get my book out there! Even if the only copy I ever sell is to my mother, I can at least try.
Friday, 26 August 2011
146 Not bad
The dread weigh day after pigging out. Not bad! 191. Less than I deserve I think. So, back to trying and trying again and again and again until I get what I want. It will happen.
Today is a funny day. I was up at 5:15 (actually, I was up at 4:15 to go to the bathroom) to come to WSU to be on the news about the flash mob. Somehow I didn't really visualize the reality that if I were on the news, I would be on TV. Duh. I've really had fun with the flash mob idea and the practices. I was thinking last night that this is the first time in my LIFE I have ever danced for fun. I danced a little out of peer pressure in high school but it was far from fun. I think I was just plain too inhibited back then. Either that, or I'm having a mid-life crisis. Whatever. It's fun. I'd like to take a dance class with Dave. And I think it's a good sign of feeling better about my body that I'm willing to flash mob. Plus, it's been wonderful exercise.
Catherine seems to be having a ball at BYU. A relief!!! I pray that she thrives there. She's been moved around so much. She deserves to be in a good place of her choosing. I'm missing her like mad, but texting and email really help.
So today's challenge is again being super tired, and trying to find a flight to Hawaii that won't break Mom's bank. I just need to talk to Lisa before I book to see if she really wants to take Catherine to Kona first to go to the temple there, or just come straight to Oahu with the rest of us. Oddly, it's about the same price. The Weber block party is today (hence the flash mob), and I'll get to get out of the office and go play.
Today is a funny day. I was up at 5:15 (actually, I was up at 4:15 to go to the bathroom) to come to WSU to be on the news about the flash mob. Somehow I didn't really visualize the reality that if I were on the news, I would be on TV. Duh. I've really had fun with the flash mob idea and the practices. I was thinking last night that this is the first time in my LIFE I have ever danced for fun. I danced a little out of peer pressure in high school but it was far from fun. I think I was just plain too inhibited back then. Either that, or I'm having a mid-life crisis. Whatever. It's fun. I'd like to take a dance class with Dave. And I think it's a good sign of feeling better about my body that I'm willing to flash mob. Plus, it's been wonderful exercise.
Catherine seems to be having a ball at BYU. A relief!!! I pray that she thrives there. She's been moved around so much. She deserves to be in a good place of her choosing. I'm missing her like mad, but texting and email really help.
So today's challenge is again being super tired, and trying to find a flight to Hawaii that won't break Mom's bank. I just need to talk to Lisa before I book to see if she really wants to take Catherine to Kona first to go to the temple there, or just come straight to Oahu with the rest of us. Oddly, it's about the same price. The Weber block party is today (hence the flash mob), and I'll get to get out of the office and go play.
Thursday, 25 August 2011
145 A better day
Ok---today is on track--at least so far. I can't believe how far off I've fallen. It makes me mad--do I want to sabotage myself? Or is it truly that I'm just in the midst of a major life change? Either way, life is going to change--sometimes for the good, sometimes the bad, and I need to learn to respond without going to pieces on the food. Last night dinner started out fine. The popcorn was a little weird, but not unreasonable. Dave ate a lot of it though. So I made a little more. Then had a BIG slice of cheese with it. AND chocolate milk. Where did that come from?? Tomorrow is the first weigh day that I do NOT want to weigh. A shame, since last week was so good! It's ok though. I will weigh. I will go out to dinner and enjoy being with my husband. On Saturday I will be back to officially tracking online even though it won't be fun because my numbers for the week will be off. Actually, that's silly. Why should I wait. Today I'm trying. I'll put my food in. On Sunday I get start tracking fresh again and get on with business. I'm booking flights to Hawaii today and I want to look and feel as nice as I did in Aruba--knowing that I weigh less than I have in a long time. I have cute fall clothes just this close to looking nice. I want to wear them. It's nice that the path is always right in front of me to get back on. I think I'll have to get back to working through the heart to heart book (lds version of OA). Obviously, I still have some anchors holding me at a higher weight than I want to be and I might need to uncover those before I can reach my goal.
Something I need to voice again is my frustration with traditional diet plans. Talk about setting people up for failure! My Mom's nutrisystem "meals" are about 260 calories! Ok, so you add a yogurt (100 cal), and a salad (50 cal) and you have....drum roll 410 calories. Times three thats 1,230 cal a day. NOT ENOUGH!!! That's the bare minimum doctors are willing to say is healthy. Based on my own experiences with calorie counting I know that 600 calories is what it takes to get me to feeling full. Times that by 3 is 1,800 cal. The PERFECT amount if I was trying to lose weight as a diabetic. As a normal person trying to maintain a weight of about 150 I should add another 500 or so cal. 2,300 is about right for a moderatley active female, and is actually about what I will naturally choose (see the very beginnings of this blog).
Something I need to voice again is my frustration with traditional diet plans. Talk about setting people up for failure! My Mom's nutrisystem "meals" are about 260 calories! Ok, so you add a yogurt (100 cal), and a salad (50 cal) and you have....drum roll 410 calories. Times three thats 1,230 cal a day. NOT ENOUGH!!! That's the bare minimum doctors are willing to say is healthy. Based on my own experiences with calorie counting I know that 600 calories is what it takes to get me to feeling full. Times that by 3 is 1,800 cal. The PERFECT amount if I was trying to lose weight as a diabetic. As a normal person trying to maintain a weight of about 150 I should add another 500 or so cal. 2,300 is about right for a moderatley active female, and is actually about what I will naturally choose (see the very beginnings of this blog).
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
144 Lonesome
That's it. My little girl is off at college. I can't believe she's really gone. Actually, I WON'T believe it, because she isn't. There are phones, and emails and texts, and better yet, she's only 77 miles away. Visits will be happening. Still....it's not the same. I'm relieved I could go with her yesterday though, and see for myself how beautiful the dorm is. She's got a gorgeous view of the mountains with the Provo temple. I only got to meet one of the roommates, but she seems very nice and the whole building had a floor of friendly excitement. BYU is like that. Very warm and loving. I feel as though I've left her in a good place. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't feel like that.
Food-wise though. What a catastrophe!! On Monday, when I mentioned that I was tired and that was a problem?---oh yeah. Tired, stressed and I figured the house would be upside-down with Catherine trying to pack (She did an awesome job actually). We were all tired so we went to Jim's burgers. I had the gyro plate. Tasty but totally unsatisfying. I left with my stomach feeling full, but still feeling hungry if that makes sense, and definitely feeling as though I wanted more. After packing we managed to play a last round of the Farming Game. There were still brownies left from Sunday. I ate my share and half of Catherine's WITH milk. Totally out of control behavior. Yesterday I didn't even try. We went to Goodwood for lunch where I had nachos. And to the Brick Oven for a late dinner. I wasn't even hungry but I still had a fully loaded salad with plenty of blue cheese dressings and crumbles AND a pizza. But at least I only ate one slice of the pizza (the other three slices are waiting for me here for lunch.) Also we had a yummy chocolate chip with ice-cream and marshmellows dessert.
What am I thinking? To tell the truth, not much. Right now I'm so tired my only goal is to get through work today. I didn't get to sleep till about midnight and I had to be at work at 7:30. That doesn't sound too bad--and one day won't kill me, but I'm a true 8 1/2 hour person and if I don't get it, I really go downhill physically. I didn't have time to make lunch---or more accuratley, I wasn't willing to take the time so late at night or get up any earlier. So today I have the rest of the pizza and a salad (with lite dressing!) that I bought on my break. No idea what's for dinner and don't care very much. Tomorrow I should be right on track with both food and exercise, but Friday night Dave and I are going out just the two of us--because we CAN. THAT will be fun. But after that I should be in the clear to make a solid effort toward weight-loss once again.
Is that total rationalization and excuse making? Probably. I've learned one thing though (again). For me, it's really important to physically get on that WW web site and log in my points. It's not good enough to keep track in my head and it's not good enough to scribble them down on paper either. Logging them in makes it more "official" in my mind. It strengthens my committment. Without real tracking I'm like a driver going without brakes. Sure, it's fine for a little while, but the crash is going to come. I wish this weren't true. But apparently it still is. 144 days FEELS like forever, but it's actually a very short time, and the unhappy fact is that if I quit I would go straight back up to where I started or very close to it.
Even still though I'm feeling stubborn about my process right now. I'm not defending my behavior this week---but I'm still convinced that any program where a person is either "on" or "off" is doomed 99.9% of the time. Sean is the only exception I can think of. He managed to stay "ON", but he's the only one I know who's actually done it. I know for sure I can't do the on off thing. I've tried many many many times and it's just too easy to fall off and then never get back "on" because "on" simply takes too much energy and I haven't learned yet to enjoy being "on". Does that make sense? So, even though I do talk a lot about being "on track" or having gone "off track" in my mind I'm working very hard to get off the track altogether and just LIVE in an ever improving spiral upwards. Everyone has a "diet" so to speak--some include vast amounts of uncontrolled food and are very unhealthy, but it's still that persons "diet". The only possible thing that can work is to change your lifestyle in a real way--not in a "this is the program that I'm artifically following" way. I consider weight watchers to be Artifical with a capital A. However, while wrestling with that program, I am slowly making real progress in really changing my natural lifestyle--I do move more, I AM concerned about my poor choices over the last few days (before, it would take weeks before it would even register that I wasn't eating all that great), discovering better food and coming to grips with how heavy some of my old habits were (large amounts of cheese, nuts, chocolate milk etc.).
Food-wise though. What a catastrophe!! On Monday, when I mentioned that I was tired and that was a problem?---oh yeah. Tired, stressed and I figured the house would be upside-down with Catherine trying to pack (She did an awesome job actually). We were all tired so we went to Jim's burgers. I had the gyro plate. Tasty but totally unsatisfying. I left with my stomach feeling full, but still feeling hungry if that makes sense, and definitely feeling as though I wanted more. After packing we managed to play a last round of the Farming Game. There were still brownies left from Sunday. I ate my share and half of Catherine's WITH milk. Totally out of control behavior. Yesterday I didn't even try. We went to Goodwood for lunch where I had nachos. And to the Brick Oven for a late dinner. I wasn't even hungry but I still had a fully loaded salad with plenty of blue cheese dressings and crumbles AND a pizza. But at least I only ate one slice of the pizza (the other three slices are waiting for me here for lunch.) Also we had a yummy chocolate chip with ice-cream and marshmellows dessert.
What am I thinking? To tell the truth, not much. Right now I'm so tired my only goal is to get through work today. I didn't get to sleep till about midnight and I had to be at work at 7:30. That doesn't sound too bad--and one day won't kill me, but I'm a true 8 1/2 hour person and if I don't get it, I really go downhill physically. I didn't have time to make lunch---or more accuratley, I wasn't willing to take the time so late at night or get up any earlier. So today I have the rest of the pizza and a salad (with lite dressing!) that I bought on my break. No idea what's for dinner and don't care very much. Tomorrow I should be right on track with both food and exercise, but Friday night Dave and I are going out just the two of us--because we CAN. THAT will be fun. But after that I should be in the clear to make a solid effort toward weight-loss once again.
Is that total rationalization and excuse making? Probably. I've learned one thing though (again). For me, it's really important to physically get on that WW web site and log in my points. It's not good enough to keep track in my head and it's not good enough to scribble them down on paper either. Logging them in makes it more "official" in my mind. It strengthens my committment. Without real tracking I'm like a driver going without brakes. Sure, it's fine for a little while, but the crash is going to come. I wish this weren't true. But apparently it still is. 144 days FEELS like forever, but it's actually a very short time, and the unhappy fact is that if I quit I would go straight back up to where I started or very close to it.
Even still though I'm feeling stubborn about my process right now. I'm not defending my behavior this week---but I'm still convinced that any program where a person is either "on" or "off" is doomed 99.9% of the time. Sean is the only exception I can think of. He managed to stay "ON", but he's the only one I know who's actually done it. I know for sure I can't do the on off thing. I've tried many many many times and it's just too easy to fall off and then never get back "on" because "on" simply takes too much energy and I haven't learned yet to enjoy being "on". Does that make sense? So, even though I do talk a lot about being "on track" or having gone "off track" in my mind I'm working very hard to get off the track altogether and just LIVE in an ever improving spiral upwards. Everyone has a "diet" so to speak--some include vast amounts of uncontrolled food and are very unhealthy, but it's still that persons "diet". The only possible thing that can work is to change your lifestyle in a real way--not in a "this is the program that I'm artifically following" way. I consider weight watchers to be Artifical with a capital A. However, while wrestling with that program, I am slowly making real progress in really changing my natural lifestyle--I do move more, I AM concerned about my poor choices over the last few days (before, it would take weeks before it would even register that I wasn't eating all that great), discovering better food and coming to grips with how heavy some of my old habits were (large amounts of cheese, nuts, chocolate milk etc.).
Monday, 22 August 2011
142 TIRED
Uh oh. I had to be at work at 7:30 this morning. I still didn't have to get up all that much earlier than I usually do--just 6:30--an ok time, but I was extra tired last night and stayed up a little too late. Now I'm tired. Being tired is deadly for me when it comes to food. However, since I'm at work the food is here and controlled so I should be ok. I wish I wasn't here today though. Catherine is all by herself at home packing up for college. She has a lot of little errands to do and I wish I were there to help and support her. I had to really beg to get tomorrow off so there's no way of getting today as well. I'll send her lots of little emails and texts so she doesn't feel alone.
I've been faithfully walking to work every day that I can--including today. I think it's really helping--especially if I put a strength training, or dance workout on top of it. It looks now like we really ARE going to Hawaii before Christmas. I'd love to have to buy a new swimsuit for it!
I've been faithfully walking to work every day that I can--including today. I think it's really helping--especially if I put a strength training, or dance workout on top of it. It looks now like we really ARE going to Hawaii before Christmas. I'd love to have to buy a new swimsuit for it!
Sunday, 21 August 2011
141 exactly right rouladen
Well, breakfast and lunch were perfect--for dinner we had the farewell rouladen. Fattening, but I didn't eat a ridiculous amount and since the meat is expensive, Dave bought a package that turned out to be just the right amount. No leftovers. I seem to be doing well with isolating my poor choices. Well, poor choice isn't the right word for the rouladen dinner----high point is a better choice. I don't want to live in a world where I can't have a special farewell dinner for my only child. Now, the brownies are a different matter. I might have been able to rationalize a small piece, but I ate HUGE piece. With milk. We like to have a dessert while we play a game on Sunday nights. But dessert doesn't have to be out of control and actually, I've been doing quite well managing them.
I'm hoping to achieve some sort of emotional equillibrium for awhile after this week. The worst of the latest family crisis is behind me. Catherine leaves on Tuesday--that's emotional and I'll be lonely, but it's a clean and happy change. I'm excited for her. The emotions are only the natural waves of letting a child go--not the twisted and ugly feelings that my family inspires. However, having said that. I love my parents and sisters. And what are we here on earth for if not to suffer and conquer preciesly these problems?
Tomorrow I work a long day, but should be on track with food. Tuesday we take Catherine up and all bets are off. I'm glad I don't have a deadline on this project other than the insurance deadline which is totally doable.
I'm hoping to achieve some sort of emotional equillibrium for awhile after this week. The worst of the latest family crisis is behind me. Catherine leaves on Tuesday--that's emotional and I'll be lonely, but it's a clean and happy change. I'm excited for her. The emotions are only the natural waves of letting a child go--not the twisted and ugly feelings that my family inspires. However, having said that. I love my parents and sisters. And what are we here on earth for if not to suffer and conquer preciesly these problems?
Tomorrow I work a long day, but should be on track with food. Tuesday we take Catherine up and all bets are off. I'm glad I don't have a deadline on this project other than the insurance deadline which is totally doable.
Saturday, 20 August 2011
140 a tough week ahead
Saturday, thank goodness. It's the week before school and all week I've been talking to frantic students who have holds on their records that won't allow them to register. They should have taken care of those holds months ago! This week will be a food challenge. Tonight is the high priest dinner. No idea what they're serving, but it's sure to be high carb, high point and mediocre. The plan is to save 15 points for it and try and be moderate. The rest of the week is a little tougher. Tomorrow is Catherine's last Sunday dinner before college. We're having rouladen--extremely high calorie and fat (meat browned in loads of butter), Monday shouldn't be too bad, but we'll be packing and loading the van and busy. Tuesday we take her to BYU--probably both lunch and dinner out and Wednesday Dave and I are celebrating our newfound freedom with our own dinner out just the two of us. Well, ok---that's only till Wednesday that's hard--and today and monday aren't so bad. I'll probably survive. I suppose I could try to make healthy choices at the restaurants--but honestly, I don't want to. Going out is still a comparitivley rare treat. Partly it depends on the restaurant. If it's a so so place, I don't mind so much making the better choice because I'm not missing out on anything especially great. But if it's a place I REALLY like---not even necessarily an expensive place--but if it serves the things I really want, I resent passing up what I want and paying for something I don't want. I guess I'm just not quite ready to take the restaurant step wholeheartedly yet. And, happily, money is still tight enough that we're not going out nearly as much, so that helps. I guess with restaurants I'll fall back on the plan that helped start me on this journey and lost me my initial 30 pounds---if there's a good choice I CAN make and still be happy with it, then I'll make a point of choosing the better option. If not, then I won't worry too much. You'd think choosing the better option would be no-brainer if two things are equal, but it's surprising how often I won't make the better choice unless I have that mind set. I remember once vacillating between an italian salami sandwich and a veggie sandwich with avocados and sundried tomatoes on really good bread. They both looked fantastic and I couldn't decide. It took me longer than I'd like to admit to even put health into the equation, but it finally dawned on me that heeeey--the veggie sandwich might even be better for me. That tipped the balance and I ordered it.
Friday, 19 August 2011
139 Not up!
DOWN!!! I went down another pound! 189!!! I love shifting into a new set of numbers. And I love that mentally, I didn't have to "will" this into being. My mind and heart have certainly been everywhere else this week. I went through the motions--and it was enough! This is especially gratifying considering all the food I inhaled last Saturday (boy was that good).
I was surprised that yesterday's salad for lunch was actually satisfying. I think I'm slowly adjusting to lite and fat-free dressings--at least the Italian kind. At home we discovered Ken's light steak house dressing. Anyway--being satisfied brings up a little resistance all its own. In my mind I guess I've always had an "us and them" kind mentality and have taken a kind of pride in it. I've always belonged to the "us" group. The group that knows what it is to really enjoy a good pizza feast. The "us" group never eats diet dressings (blech), and we sneer at those who "can't" finish a restaraunt meal. We are adventurous eaters and usually good cooks. We appreciate real cheese, we make THE brownies to die for and have little respect for anyone who doesn't have the sense to enjoy the good things in life.
The "them" group usually looks really good and we envy their clothes and bodies with all of our cholesterol burdened hearts. They get up early to work out (while we get to sleep in), they do things like eat salads for lunch, get full after three bites at a restaraunt and think that mediocre brownies are something special.
It's weird to transition into being one of "them". Doing things like having that salad for lunch yesterday is clearly a "them" thing to do. I'll have to remember that "them" is a big group of people. Some of them ARE sadly limited in their food enjoyment and discovery. But others, like my friend Sarah who is a superstar athlete, make a fudge brownie cake to die for. One reason Sarah exercises as she does is specifically so she CAN enjoy all the things I love--full fat butters, cheeses and specialty desserts. That's the kind of "them" I can appreciate.
And what's so wonderful about being unsatisfied with a normal portion anyway? Since when did gluttony become something to be proud of? Gluttony was one of the original seven deadly sins. I can still become a true gourmand if I want to be--that is someone who loves discovering great food and is very discriminating. I probably will never have the money to actually become a gourmand--after all real truffle oils from Italy are very expensive, but I do not have to give up appreciating great food. And I don't need to give up eating a lot of it (at least from time to time) either!
I was surprised that yesterday's salad for lunch was actually satisfying. I think I'm slowly adjusting to lite and fat-free dressings--at least the Italian kind. At home we discovered Ken's light steak house dressing. Anyway--being satisfied brings up a little resistance all its own. In my mind I guess I've always had an "us and them" kind mentality and have taken a kind of pride in it. I've always belonged to the "us" group. The group that knows what it is to really enjoy a good pizza feast. The "us" group never eats diet dressings (blech), and we sneer at those who "can't" finish a restaraunt meal. We are adventurous eaters and usually good cooks. We appreciate real cheese, we make THE brownies to die for and have little respect for anyone who doesn't have the sense to enjoy the good things in life.
The "them" group usually looks really good and we envy their clothes and bodies with all of our cholesterol burdened hearts. They get up early to work out (while we get to sleep in), they do things like eat salads for lunch, get full after three bites at a restaraunt and think that mediocre brownies are something special.
It's weird to transition into being one of "them". Doing things like having that salad for lunch yesterday is clearly a "them" thing to do. I'll have to remember that "them" is a big group of people. Some of them ARE sadly limited in their food enjoyment and discovery. But others, like my friend Sarah who is a superstar athlete, make a fudge brownie cake to die for. One reason Sarah exercises as she does is specifically so she CAN enjoy all the things I love--full fat butters, cheeses and specialty desserts. That's the kind of "them" I can appreciate.
And what's so wonderful about being unsatisfied with a normal portion anyway? Since when did gluttony become something to be proud of? Gluttony was one of the original seven deadly sins. I can still become a true gourmand if I want to be--that is someone who loves discovering great food and is very discriminating. I probably will never have the money to actually become a gourmand--after all real truffle oils from Italy are very expensive, but I do not have to give up appreciating great food. And I don't need to give up eating a lot of it (at least from time to time) either!
Thursday, 18 August 2011
138 Forgot lunch
Crud. Remembered to bring the bills but forgot my lunch. Luckily, we're between semesters so the burger places are closed. I went upstairs and got a chef's salad--yummy--with fat-free dressing--boring and unsatisfying. Oh well, it won't kill me. I also got a nutty granola bar and a banana to fill me up. Today is a long day. After work I'll walk home, and immediatley go visiting teaching, then straight to harp lesson (my VT is a talker) and hopefully have time to run to Subways and then go to a flash mob rehearsal--FUN!!! Tomorrow is the weekend thank goodness.
I'm still feeling a oppressed about Riley's baptism, but I think I'm making much more heavy weather out of it than necessary. Ultimatley, it's not even my decision. Thank goodness!! It will mean a hard phone call to the bishop and Christine and a hard email to Dad and that is all from my point of view. I don't like it, but I can do it. I feel as if I'm growing stronger emotionally. Being in the RS presidency is unbelievable. The burdens that people carry are amazing---nobody escapes it seems. I spoke to someone who teaches the lady whose son killed himself last Easter. Turns out she's the perfect person to understand because her sister had killed herself the year before--she recommended that another younger sister be called in to help because she seemed to connect well, probably because her father had killed himself when she was a teen. Good grief. There are only 114 sisters in the ward--three of them having a close connection with suicide seems an awfully high percentage to me. I just hope God isn't preparing me to deal with a suicide of a close person of my own.
Food-wise I'm still treading water. It's not my focus, but I've been on track anyway. I love that our bodies will respond even if our minds are elsewhere. I feel as heavy as a rock, and I probably will be up this week, but that's ok. I'm staying on course as best as I can and eventually it will show. I'll just be glad when the baptism is over with--which is a horrible way to feel about something that should be a happy occasion.
I'm still feeling a oppressed about Riley's baptism, but I think I'm making much more heavy weather out of it than necessary. Ultimatley, it's not even my decision. Thank goodness!! It will mean a hard phone call to the bishop and Christine and a hard email to Dad and that is all from my point of view. I don't like it, but I can do it. I feel as if I'm growing stronger emotionally. Being in the RS presidency is unbelievable. The burdens that people carry are amazing---nobody escapes it seems. I spoke to someone who teaches the lady whose son killed himself last Easter. Turns out she's the perfect person to understand because her sister had killed herself the year before--she recommended that another younger sister be called in to help because she seemed to connect well, probably because her father had killed himself when she was a teen. Good grief. There are only 114 sisters in the ward--three of them having a close connection with suicide seems an awfully high percentage to me. I just hope God isn't preparing me to deal with a suicide of a close person of my own.
Food-wise I'm still treading water. It's not my focus, but I've been on track anyway. I love that our bodies will respond even if our minds are elsewhere. I feel as heavy as a rock, and I probably will be up this week, but that's ok. I'm staying on course as best as I can and eventually it will show. I'll just be glad when the baptism is over with--which is a horrible way to feel about something that should be a happy occasion.
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