319 Disney!

YES!!!  Catherine got the job at Disneyworld! I'm so excited for her I can hardly stand it. I can NOT wait to go and visit! Oddly, this means that I will have to set a new reward for someday reaching goal weight. The original reward was a trip to Disneyworld-it's unlikely that I'll be at goal weight when we visit her, but I'll be farther along the path anyway--maybe a trip to London when I hit goal? I've always wanted to go to London.  Where the money for all these trips is going to come from I have no idea--but the thoughts are good anyway.

Yesterday was a little unusual, in that I would have preferred to eat far better than I actually did. We took Catherine back to Provo and went to Panda Express--her favorite place, for lunch and then J-Dawgs, Dave's favorite for dinner. Left to myself I would have had something from home for lunch and Subways or Pita Pit for dinner. Usually I enjoy excuses to eat really fattening food, but yesterday I really didn't. The food was all right, but I wasn't dying for it or regretting that I wouldn't have it again for awhile. A small improvement!

It's snowing today but I walked to work anyway and I remembered my clothes for wellness time too. My food is a little unplanned but on track--I had a 7 pt breakfast and I need to figure out the points for lunch--but they aren't too many. It's just that it's leftover night and I don't know what I'll be in the mood for.  I'm just going to make sure I have plenty of points for whatever it is. Also--yay me, we had a mini Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday night and I sent home almost all the fattening stuff with Mom and Lisa. I kept a little stuffing that we'll probably throw out and a little gravy for Dave, but as for me--I have turkey sandwiches for lunch which are terrific choices.

318 smaller jeans!

Hey!!  Haven't gone too bananas this president's day weekend and on Saturday I did indeed "run" 18 continuous mintues. I was reminded of the tortise and the hare. Catherine came with me. She can run circles around me anytime, but she can't keep it up very well--we were running toward the mechanic to pick up the car, the plan was she would wait for me, but tortoise and hare arrived about the same time with the tortoise ahead. 

Better still!!! Took Catherine back to Provo and messed around at the University Mall. Christopher and Banks was having a sale--Nice dressy jeans for 6-% off--I grabbed a pair and tried them on and then sent Catherine back out to get me a SMALLER PAIR!!  That is a totally UNPRECEDENTED event in my life. I have NEVER had to go back for a smaller pair. Never--not once in 47 years. Smaller pair (14's) looked great ane will be worn to work tomorrow!

316 a start

I was proud of myself yesterday--I again ran for 15 minutes, but what was nice was that it was a little easier than the first attempts at 5 minutes were.  I knew I could go for longer. Today will be a new record (I hope) of 18 minutes. Food wasn't bad yesterday--again I opted for my snack rather than my lunch--here's a blindingly obvious oberservation--I REALLY like cheese. It seems that often I would rather have a small amount of really good stuff like crackers and cheese and hot chocolate than a full blown meal.  With that in mind, I had what I wanted for breakfast--one roll, cheese, fruit and milk. I was pleased with the choice of ONE roll. The natural instinct is to take two, but I realized that I'd be ok with one. Someday, someday, someday I will eat with my head--guided in part by genuine hunger and basic nutrition, but with my HEAD, not emotion--not eating because I'm in the mood to eat, or because I'm bored, or because it really tastes good and I enjoy eating. I will be able to eat for pleasure like any other pleasure---I can WANT a roll and cheese so therefore I will HAVE the amount of roll and cheese that my body WANTS and realize that I'm content, and move on to other things.  I'm pleased that I'm started to be able to act like that once in awhile--it's a start. There's a story I may have mentioned in this blog before--about a little boy who had all kinds of problems controlling himself. The parents were watching the boy play through the one-way glass with the therapist. Another boy took a toy away from this boy and the troubled boy handled the situation just fine! He didn't melt down, he didn't attack the other kid. He resolved the situation appropriately. His parents were thrilled. The therapist said something like, "Yes, but remember he can't behaive like that yet." The parents said, "What do you mean?? He just did it!" "Yes, he's making progress, but it's going to be a long time before he will be able to make those choices consistently."

So it is with me. A promising start--but it's going to be awhile before reasonable behavior with food is my automatic default setting.

315 Late night salt

The official weigh day weight is 186--a pound down from last week, but up from earlier this week.  Actually, I'm not taking this weigh in too seriously--I had a very salty (wontons and soysauce) dinner late last night.  This late night dinner business has got to stop. We've been eating around 7:45--8:00 every night. Dave teaches until late--he can't help it, but I can. I'd prefer to wait for him, but I think I'd better go home, fix dinner and eat myself at a reasonable hour--I can always be there and chat when he gets around to finally having dinner.  I have a tough weekend coming up---Benin dinner tonight (I'll have to go easy on the deep fried bean fritters), turkey dinner on Sunday and Catherine home for the weekend which usually means fattening food because she loves to cook. On the bright side--plenty of exercise today--walk to and from work plus gym workout, and an 18 min "run" tomorrow.  I'm plugging away at it. Very imperfectly, but a step at a time.

Today I'm grateful for:

Being so spoiled that I'm not excited about a pork chop for lunch--I have a great lunch here, I'm just not "in the mood" for it. How rich is that?

Cheese and crackers (yes! 6 point snack)

Trying fun and exotic foods--Benin dinner tonight!

Blackberries

314 Again

This little tidbit from Calorie Count today:

Stop eating when hunger is gone but before you feel full, even if there�s food left. Remember, eating the right amount of food isn�t about being good, it�s about feeling good. 

I have trouble with the first part of that statement--as in, I know it's a good idea, but I can't imagine myself really ever doing it as a habit. But I love the second part of the statement that I put in bold--maybe someday I'll realize that I DO feel better if I eat less. It's hard for me to believe--but I have known people who actually dislike a feeling of fullness. Weirdos--but I'd love to join their ranks.

To that end I'm again rather proud of myself!  Granted, I had no business gobbling parmesan bites on Valentines day, but the day after, yesterday, I was at work with planned points for lunch and a snack. Come lunchtime I realized that I wasn't very hungry and that my snack sounded much more appealing than my lunch (and lunch was good! porkchop, mashed potatoes and green beans).  So I ate my 6 point snack INSTEAD of my lunch rather than eating my lunch AND the snack. Dinner was very good too--a stew with one roll and even a piece of Hungry Girl cheesecake for dessert.  Today will be just a little tougher because I'm not pre-filled with parmesan bread, but nevertheless it should be a very good on track on point day.

313 Easier then

I've decided for myself what millions of others have already figured out--that it really WAS easier to maintain a healthy weight in the past. There simply wasn't that much temptation around!! There were no TV's to show you what you were missing. There was no Food Channel. And there weren't places like Dominoes pizza!  HOLY COW!!  I hadn't been there in years, but Catherine had discovered their parmesan bread bites which was enough for me to think that I HAD to have them to go with our Valentine's pizza from Papa Murphys.  Oh my, oh my. Dominoes pizza has added some stuff to their menu! Not only the parmesan bites, but buffalo wings and bread stuffed with spinach and feta, and other breads, and molten lava chocolate cake--not to mention full blown greasy pizza--much worse for me and much more tempting than Papa Murphys. How I would have loved a dominoes buffet last night.  As it was I did badly enough--I ordered the 36 piece parmesan bread for the two of us and there wasn't much leftover when we finished. When I was a kid there simply WASN'T that kind of temptation! Even a pizza joint pretty much just had pizza. We hardly ever went out as a family and when we did it was to Ding-ho's a Chinese restaurant, or maybe Chuck-a-rama buffet that only allowed you through ONE time.

The point is that knowing how much harder it is now makes me feel a little less guilty for having succumbed to being overweight. And that helps me want to try that much harder. Today and tomorrow should be right on track. Friday will be mostly on track but we're having our dinner in Benin (an African country where we're virtually traveling--see travelenvelope.blogspot.com) and on Sunday Mom is (hopefully) coming up for a turkey dinner. But the turkey dinner can be managed I think---the turkey, mashed potatoes and yam casserole (light version) are all healthy. The stuffing and the pie are problems, but if I fill up on the turkey I should be ok.

312 Proud!

I did something right yesterday and I am really PROUD about this one. Lunch at yesterdays retreat  was high fat and calorie--sandwich and coleslaw from Goodwood BBQ.  They were big sandwiches too. I was pretty full and when work was over and it was time to go to SLC I was still full.  I had planned to pick up dinner at Pita Pit to eat on the way down (I love to eat in the car), and going to SLC always makes me unhappy and nervous so the urge to eat and just have something going hand to mouth is very strong. But, I wasn't hungry and better--I realized I wasn't hungry. So even though it was dinner time, I did not go to Pita Pit. I went straight to SLC, and did what I needed to do there--which included taking everyone out to Sub Zero--but that was a planned out thing and I got the smallest size I could. So--overall, I'm sure the day was WAY over in calories and points, but the thinking behind the day was exactly right. I ate when I was hungry and I didn't eat when I was full despite lots of "reasons" to do so.  Today the scale rewarded me with 185! Which is way less than I expected. The number is nice, but the right decisions yesterday are really empowering.

311 Out of control

What happened last night????  I had a nice dinner to break my fast--super yummy garlic mashed potatoes and I was nice and full. But in my mind I had carte blanche to eat anything else.  I had a few 1 point chocolate truffle balls. I dove chocolate heart, a glass of milk, 4 or 5 stale chocolate chip cookies. A bowl of popcorn, a glass of milk, then someone in the ward brought over brownies (which is really what I had a craving for all along) had one of those too with a little more milk. Then, just before bed I realized that I still had popcorn left and that I "could" have some cheese! Cheese and a little more popcorn duly followed.

I think knowing that I'll be working hard on WW triggered the landslide. I haven't lost control like that on other fast Sundays. Nothing to do but to keep trying. I'll get a little exercise today--we're going ice-skating for a retreat at work. I haven't been for years and I was never very good at it. Should be fun.

310 A good 15

To my relief yesterday's 15 minutes was just fine! One of the easiest runs yet.  I drove myself up to Beuss Pond and ran around that. Two ladies were there with their dogs who barked at me--one lady said, "Now you let that lady run in peace!"  It made me smile--at least they could tell I was running! After I finished, I walked a lap to cool down and happily it took more time to walk than it did to run. That's not something I take for granted--I'm truly that slow.  Food-wise also good. I'll have to try the turtle cheesecake with real sugar. I used splenda and I think it made it too sweet.  Today is easy because we're fasting today since we didn't last week. I'm making a porkchop reciepe that uses chocolate as an ingredient. I love to cook and try new things.

Otherwise, I weighed myself and I think the scale is stuck. Frustrating, not just that the journey is slow, but that I keep throwing away the gifts that it gives me. I was 184 AFTER Christmas, and did I take advantage of that? I did not. I was greedy and now I have to re-lose those pounds painfully and laboriously. Reading this blog shows that I do that over and over and over and over and over again. You'd think I'd learn, but I don't.  I'm just I haven't given up altogether so I could catch the problem now, not after I'd thrown it away for months and found myself back up at 208 plus more.

Challenges this week are the work retreat tomorrow--lunch from Goodwood BBQ, plus a trip to SLC--which will mean dinner out (that's ok, I'll go to Pita Pit) and ice-cream from sub zero.  Tuesday is Valentines--I won't pig out on chocolate, but we are ordering a heart pizza.  I'll do my best not to go crazy with the problems, and to make sure everything else I eat is good and keep up the exercise. It won't stall me for long.

Tonight I'm grateful for:
Porkchops and new receipies
homemade biscuits
diet coke
chocolate chip cookies, dove chocolates and cheesecake--all of which I can have and still lose weight.
spices
variety

309 15 min

We went to a Valentines Dance last night. Very sweet and fun. Poor Dave--he's a good dancer and he gave up dancing once he married me. Not that I deliberately prevent him, but I hated dances when I was young and never learned--with one thing and another we never took a couples class, and there just aren't that many dances for married people--or at least I've never thought to seek them out.  I need to make that right.

Anyway--back to counting points today. It feels nice. I do like having plans to choose from. It feels good to be able to eat anything I want and have fruit be free again. Today sounds just plain yummy. A raspberry muffin, banana and milk for breakfast, nachos for lunch with a little soup, a big reuben sandwich for dinner, and turtle cheesecake for dessert! I'm excited about the cheesecake. It's a Hungry Girl recipe and those receipes tend to be very good with a real concept of a portion. 1 slice is 1/8 of the cake. Yes! It's so irritating when a "serving" is 1/32 of the pan. Are you kidding?? Or the last pie recipe 1/10 of the pie? That's an ok sized piece, but who cuts a pie into 10th's?

For exercise today will be the longest run yet. 15 min. After yesterday's fiasco, I'm driving up to Beuss pond where I know it's flat to try this. I don't know about the running idea. I can feel that it's foolish with my knees, but I hate to quit. I'm just afraid one will blow out like it did in October, and I do have the 1/2 marathon coming up. I'll be walking that, but I'd like to think I'm building some muscle and endurance that will be helpful? I hope so.

308 low energy

Aww heck. One pound. 187. The discouraging thing is that I was reading some old posts here and I was fooling around with this weight clear back in August!!! But ok. 187 is down 1 pound from last week. It's just hard to be reasonable and remember that last Friday I had a pizza orgy. What I CLEARLY remember is that yesterday I passed up the work cinnamon rolls AND did an extra dance workout. I hate re-losing weight. But, if one thing is clear in this blog is that my heart is hardly wholeheartedly in this endeavor. This is half-baked in every way.  So---okay. Pressing on to be 181 by the end of March. Totally do-able. 

Today was low-energy in the workout world. It's a gorgeous day so I thought I'd run my 12 minutes outside finishing up at the gym where I would do my strength training. I learned something. I am not yet fit enough to handle going uphill. I did ok on the flat, but simply fizzled and died going uphill. 8 minutes total. I gasped my way--walking up to the gym and then did my normal workout which seemed to take twice the normal effort. But it's done.

Tonight we're having pizza again, but I'm not planning a big feast.  A simple pizza dinner and then to the community valentines dance! Should be fun.  There will probably be cookies and I'm planning on having one.  ONE, not five.

Today I'm grateful for:

Margarita's breakfast burritos--I had one--and wanted two. Compromised with 1 1/2
Fat free cream cheese and sour cream
Caffeine free diet coke
Cookies
Olives
valentine's chocolates

307 full/hungry

Tomorrow's weigh day will be interesting. Generally speaking, if I'm hungry I tend to be losing weight. This is encouraging for the weigh in tomorrow--I did cheat and hop on today and I'm down 1 pound which is fine, but I'd just love to see 2 lbs tomorrow.  I'm still doing the filling plan which means I get to eat until I'm full--a wonderful relief.  But I'm still getting hungry between meals and before bed, but it's a different kind of hunger.  It's a kind of satisfied hunger--sort of like Hawaii---I'm hungry and I know I need to eat, but I'm basically satisfied, and I like that there's no worry about whether or not my next meal will fill me up.  Still, I'm going back to counting points at least for a little while. I miss bacon and cheese and muffins.  The filling plan is not practical for the long term, but I'll be visiting it frequently I'm sure.

Today I'm thankful for:

Different options
The African Dance video.
Homemade "baseball" rolls
A full egg omelete with a lite everything bagel for breakfast
chocolate
hummus--all beans are ok, I'm assuming that includes garbanzos?

306 Give up on the crash!

I seem to be in the mood to preach. I was thinking about my lace curtain and Sean's steel curtain.  I think it's probably true that all of us need a different degree of help when it comes to weight loss. It's like having an accident--perhaps a person who is completely out of control--500 lbs or whatever, really does need a steel curtain just like a very damaged human might need a full body cast. Someone like me, who is moderatly out of control doesn't need the full cast, but I do need crutches until I can heal.  The hard part is knowing what you need and sticking to it long enough for you to heal. It's easy to think my problem isn't bad at all so I don't need my crutches! I throw them away before I'm ready and then my mind doesn't get the time it needs to heal properly in terms of the food addiction. 

I suppose the only way to know the level of "treatment" that we need is by the way we act and how badly the restraints chafe.  When we first have a broken leg the cast feels good--but after a few weeks it gets to be itchy and irritating. That doesn't mean the cast should come off then, but it's a good sign that something is healing. I suppose it's just difficult to be as honest with ourselves as we need to be--IS it time for the cast to come off? or am I just rationalizing? I haven't been tempted to take the cast entirely off these past 10 months, I know I still need help, but when the time comes that I AM tempted I should ask myself things like: Am I at goal weight? How long have I been here? Do I still WANT to eat huge amounts of the wrong things that will cause me to gain weight?  And after I take the crutches off I think I'll need to monitor things very closely. Am I maintaining? Am I happy? Am I deprived?

What brings this on? I guess I've just been reading too many blogs by people on what I consider to be super restricted diets--like 1,500 cal a day. Ok, yes that's a safe thing to do, but I wonder how necessary it is to do it? I've NEVER been able to subsist on such a small amount and I've never been 250 or 300 pounds or more. I'd bet that the lady (350 lbs) I read about--rather than suddenly eating 1,500 cal and exercising--could eat 3,000 cal (especially if it was overall good food) and exercise and lose weight just fine!!  I feel passionate about this. I've struggled with my weight my whole life--it's a heartbreaking problem and despite all the so called "help" out there people are fatter than ever.  I've never been able to lose before because every diet or "lifestyle change" or whatever has ALWAYS been too extreme.  And I'm not talking about fad diets!! I'm talking about the Diet Center and Weight Watchers and eating 1,800 cal. I finally figured out that it DOESN'T MATTER if the plan is "healthy" or not if I can't stick to it. And I can't stick to it if the plan feels like a crash--which they always do and for good reason!!  I figured out that left to myself to maintain a weight of about 200-220 lbs I reguarly ate between 3,000-3,500 cal and didn't exercise much.  To drop from that to 1,800 cal or WW plan is a HUGE drop a VAST difference between my new and old life. It was always too big of a jump and I crashed every time.  I hate it when I read about good, sincere, obviously wonderful people who are suffering, who wrestle with food addiction problems which are worse than mine and are trying to solve them by trying to stick to some diet that sounds good on the books but is light years away from what they're used to.   Finally, finally, finally, I'm finding what works for me and it ISN'T a crash. My goal is just SIX pounds in two months! And even that is pushing it! I wish I could reach every failed dieter out there and tell them not to quit trying, but to give up on the programs that are not built for their lifestyle!!

305 the Lace Curtain

My favorite weight-loss blogger, Sean Anderson, often talks about his "steel curtain" zone. It's the commitment  he made to himself and it kept him safe and on track all the way from 505 pounds to 230 and still protects him today. I admire him hugely, but you know, I don't trust that steel curtain. I've had too many experiences where I set similar rigid standards and did great until the one day something went wrong and the curtain crashed. After that I never could find the energy and desire to erect the steel curtain again--usually, deep down, I was relieved that it was gone. It seems to me that if the changes in a person's life are so drastic that you need psychological protection to maintain them, then the changes are too extreme no matter if the change is healthy or not. Every blue moon or so there comes along a Sean or a Richard Simmons who can actually turn things around overnight and maintain the change, but it seems that the rest of us simply can't do that--and there's a good reason, going from out of control eating to rigidly controlled eating is simply the flip side of the same coin. Both are extreme. One of the big problems with any diet is that the "steel curtain" is implied. Obviously if you stick to the diet, you'll  have success, if you don't you won't. And since virtually no one (certainly not me!) can stick to any diet perfectly people are always either "on" or "off" whatever plan. Getting on and off the diet wagon is exhausting--I think that energy is much better spent moving along on the journey.

Anyway--when I get to goal weight it will be because THIS time was different--I deliberatley DID NOT erect a steel curtain. Just the opposite. I have a lace curtain. It provides guidelines and I can feel it if I cross those guidelines, but it has many holes and allows me through. I'm suceeding this time specifically because I CAN and DO eat as I like quite often. The piece of cheesecake the other night didn't destroy me because it was the only poor choice among many more good choices that day. Lapses like that are actually part of my plan.  Sure, it would have been better if I hadn't eaten it, but I maintained a willingness to try again the next day. And THAT I think, is the real key to success.

Ok--enough preaching. I'm grateful today for---
blackberries on my cream of wheat
homemade rolls for lunch
That work is the perfect distance for me to walk to
laughing cow cheese
deli meat with cream cheese
Hungry Girl receipies--I'll be trying a turtle cheesecake this weekend!
That there are plenty of people out there who would be THRILLED to wake up at my weight today.

304 Temptation

Yesterday was a good day as well--the novelty of eating whatever I like hasn't worn off yet and I'm not missing the things that are not on the list too badly yet. Except that yesterday on the way to Provo we stopped at Mom's house.  Helmut and Janet were there and had just brought a huge New York Cheescake. One piece had 5 points right? I just folded completely in the face of temptation. It's not just the cheesecake, but the social pressure to eat it as well. Oh well. I had a normal sized piece and at least it was early in the day. I also drove the route I "ran" on Sunday. 12 minutes covered .8 miles.  I know I can walk a mile in 15 minutes. This is pretty pathetic, but I'm going to keep plugging away. It's good for my heart if not my knees.

Probably day after tomorrow, I'll do a points counting day and have muffins and bacon, but for now I'm just enjoying MILK. Let's see--gratitude wise for food today...

MILK MILK MILK--as much as I like!!
grapefruit broiled with spenda and brown sugar.
chicken salsa salad for lunch.
saucy meatballs for dinner.
The African Dance workout I checked out from the library.
I discovered figs--yummy and a freebie on the power plan.

303--evening-- a good day

Today was a good all around day.  I committed the diet sin of skipping breakfast, but I was overstuffed from the pizza--and overall I think it's generally a good idea to follow your inclinations. I took Catherine shopping and then came home to a nice lunch of lunch meats with cream cheese, an english muffin, soup, jalapenos and one point worth of olives.  Dinner was turkey burgers--I had vinegar and salt on my fries so I ended the day with 6 points which I blew on a devils food cupcake Catherine made.  I loved feeling free to drink milk with the cupcake. I'm ending the day feeling full and satisfied and looking forward to tomorrow's steak dinner.  I also ran for 12 minutes along the 5K track.  It wasn't that cold--around 40--so I just took it slow and did some of the breathing through my nose and I was fine. It felt good to have a destination. I have a long way to go though--my legs felt heavy, and I just flat out don't really enjoy the act of running--at least not like I enjoy walking.  But maybe that will come later, when I feel confident that I can run more or less indefinitely like I can walking.  Goodness knows my "running" isn't much faster than a walk anyway.
Grateful today for---kalamata olives--weird how I went from not liking olives at all to being passionate about them.
Milk
The ability to buy food and to cook food--the general great luxury of enough money.  I did a food order for a lady today--no food in their house and she doesn't know how to bake cookies!  I've never met anyone who doesn't know how to make cookies! The food orders are plentiful and generous and it IS more than just the bare basics, but still---MY house is filled with everything I could want to cook with or eat--such as the stuff for the cupcakes--and things to put ON the burgers--little luxuries like relish and dill pickles and onions.  I paid the bills this morning and was feeling a little bit tightly stretched.  Not anymore. 

303 Pizza

OKAY then!!! I am back on the wagon again--easy this morning because last night I had PIZZA.  And I mean PIZZA. Papa Murphys 5 meat stuffed crust--as much as I wanted.  Cheesy bread from the Pie--as much as I wanted. Salad. then chocolate chip cookies and milk--as much as I wanted.  It felt great. I don't feel sick or even guilty--just a little annoyed because I know something like that will set me back on the scale.  This morning I'm still full. But I'm feeling optimistic about the upcoming week. I'll be mostly following the "simply filling" plan-which means I can eat as much as I want to off the ww list.  The list is pretty generous--all fruits and veggies, most meats, most dairy (just not full fat cheese), and any "lite" bread.  What's obviously missing is cheese, sugar and fat. But I can use the 7 points a day for that and it really goes pretty far.  Last time I tried this I mostly used it for butter on my morning toast, a little cheese at lunch, some oil on my popcorn, and some chocolate. It's not a life-long liveable plan--but for now I just want to see that 181 (actually it's going to need to be 179) by the end of March so I can meet the insurance goal---plus feel really terrific.

Today's gratitude---
MILK! As much as I like.
Fruit--I hope Dave buys clementines.
I'm thankful that all the bills are paid, including the huge gas bill.
I'm thankful that we'll get a tax refund.
I'm thankful Catherine is visiting.
I'm thankful that today is a little warmer so I can do my 12 minute "run" outside.
Tonight we're having turkey burgers, one of my favorite meals and I don't have to worry about the calories in the burger--only the points in the ketchup which isn't many.
And lastly, I'm thankful that I can always always always start over!

302 Disgruntled

Hmph. 188.  Darn it.  Counting calories simply isn't getting me anywhere.  It might if I counted a few less calories every day, but I don't want to go below 2,000.  Back to weight watchers--which almost certainly puts me below 2,000 but I don't quite know it so it's ok--sort of. Especially since I'm going to start with the simply filling plan and have steak and potatoes (as much as I want!) on Sunday. 

I wonder why it is that I have such a terrible attitude about dieting--and thanks to Honor Warren at myjourneytofindingmyself.blogspot.com, for calling a spade a spade. It's a DIET!! Yes, everyone talks about a "lifestyle" change, but if you're restricting what you eat it's a DIET DIET DIET.  But so what? In all other areas of my life I'm an optimistic soul--I see life's glass as better than 1/2 full and am delighted with it. But when it comes to watching what I eat I see life's glass as literally 1/2 empty with no potential of EVER being full, let alone overflowing with joy as happens in other areas of life. But that's simply not true. Even on weightwatchers there is MUCH to be grateful for. You know, that was the original intent of this blog--to notice what I am grateful for in the food world. I need to try that again--to be grateful for the food I have and notice it's freshness and abundance. And maybe it will help to more specifically write my wishes too---I want to be careful not to give any more power to the negative side, but I wonder if what I really am wanting is not an infinite amount more of food--but does it boil down to just a little more cheese and some cookie?  Maybe if I see that what I want isn't that much then it won't seem like such a sacrifice to give it up temporarily--because it isn't that much I CAN have it sometimes--especially if I ever get to the maintenence phase.  I can't even imagine what it would be like to get on the scale and be happy with the same numbers every week.  Conversely, if what I'm wanting is unreasonable, then maybe it will help to see that too. It's just hard in America, where I always COULD, if I wanted, get more.  I think if I were starving in Africa, I'd actually feel less resentful and really would be genuinely optimistic and grateful for my morning piece of bread.

 In any case gratitude and noticing my food blessings starts now.

I'm grateful that yesterday when I only had full fat hotchocolate, that I noticed that I didn't really like it any better than the 25 cal stuff.

Today I'm grateful for the balsamic vinegar on my tomato salad.  Yummy!
Today I'm super grateful for pizza and friends and to know that I can have pizza and friends both and still lose weight.
Today I'm even grateful for weightwatchers. I'm thankful that there ARE plans out there that work and that it's only Feb 3rd, and I have until March 30 to hit the next goal of 181 and that's it's totally doable. I'm grateful for HOPE.
I'm grateful today to try a new weird "dessert" peach tofu--for only 90 cal and I bet it's good.
I'm grateful today to have a new hummus that I made that's really good--I'd make it again diet or no diet.
I'm grateful for a husband who loves me no matter what size.
I'm grateful to have had the last of the blueberries on my cream of wheat.
I'm grateful to have had bacon--and that I can have bacon on weight watchers everyday if I want to.
I'm grateful to have had a healthy body for 47 years.
I'm even grateful for the problem of obesity. It is a concrete problem, and wrestling with this problem helps me deal with other less concrete problems.
I'm grateful that I've come so far.
I'm grateful that lunch isn't very far away.

301 running? good? bad?

I'm gearing up for an effort if tomorrow's weigh in doesn't look good.  I do like that WW is now saying that you can mix up the core plan with the points plan on a day to day basis. That sounds good!  One of the things that bugs me most about WW is that they call for childlike faith in their plan and then change their plan every time you turn around.  Granted, they are consistently changing for the better---I remember when you had to have so many proteins, veggies etc.  Good idea, but nobody really eats like that.

Yesterday's trip to SLC went very well and is a huge load off my mind. Finally doing what I should have been doing all along is going a long way toward helping me release some guilt and maybe that will help me release some weight as well. 

The practical question for today is to run or not to run? I do NOT want to further damage my knees, but I also don't want to not try for a 5K! So far, I seem ok--not in actual pain or anything, it's just that my knees feel so rickety and it scared me how hard the weights were for me last Tuesday. I guess I'll keep going until I really can't.  Like the weights---I could tell that continuing that one exercise was going to be harmful. I don't feel that way with running yet--so I think I'll go ahead with 12 minutes today.  I can't wait till it's warm enough that I can run outside and see how far along I can get on our 5K route.

300 grrrr

Wow! 300 days!  I'm calling yesterday quite a triumph.  The LAST thing on earth that I wanted to do was to work out--and when it came time to do it I realized that I hadn't left my sweats here at work and only had a t-shirt.  No matter. I wore the T-shirt, dress pants and sneakers (sexy!) and went and worked out anyway. I'm having trouble with my knees and am a little worried so I'm taking today off running-wise, although I still walked to work.  I was also severely tempted food-wise last night. It was one of those hungry days where no matter what I ate it just wasn't enough. All I wanted was a huge calzone from the pie.  Instead, I thought about it and decided that if I went home and made the jam-filled muffins (153 cal) I had planned to make earlier in the week--that I could eat a dinner within calories as long as I had a muffin and hotchocolate to look forward to after doing RS visists.  That's what I did and I'm pretty proud of myself.

On the downside, my weight is up up up this morning. a scary 189.  Darn it! darn it! darn it!  Is it muscle? Is it water? ( I HAVE been drinking like crazy) or is it simply that 2000 calories is simply too many per day to allow me to lose weight? Sigh.  I'll see what Friday brings--if it's bad news then I'll have to accept reality I guess and try weight watchers again. Maybe I'll have more success--at the moment I'm tired of dragging my feet. I just want to get the weight loss over with--which in theory I could do pretty quickly if I would just stick to the plan. But I'm always hungry, bored and empty on the plan.  Ok, that's not quite true--it only FEELS true because I can't seem to switch my focus away from all the things I'm passing up.

299 The little things

I think I am, with extreme reluctance, getting more used to watching out for the little things.  Last night's dinner is good example.  I had fun with it. I had an appetizer night and fixed "buffalo" nuggets, zucchini crisps, deviled eggs, hummus and chips, potato skins, kimchee and veggies. It's sounds really fattening, but it wasn't every single item was made very light and healthy and it was satisfying--I couldn't help but think how much I would have liked to have added olives and bluecheese dressing and baguettes to the dinner, but each of THOSE things would have really racked up the fat and calories. I passed, and was just fine. Especially since TODAY I have baguette and olives as part of my lunch.

I'll be glad when the weather is a little warmer. I'm struggling with getting out and running--and opted out yesterday choosing to ride the bike instead. Today I'll be fine, because I have wellness time during work hours, but tomorrow needs some thinking---I want to go to SLC after work--I could drive up and then go to the gym for my 10 minute run, but I think the walk there and back is more beneficial than the run. I could walk AND do the run, but by the time I change clothes walk up to the gym and walk home...that's more time than I want to spend. But really---say 20 minutes to half an hour? Is that really going to derail my SLC effort? Probaby not, especially if I have dinner ready to go to eat in the car.

298 Pita Pit

How is it that I just now have discovered the Pita Pit? There's one right by the Smiths by our house.  We went out for lunch on Sat with Catherine, with the idea of trying to have a reasonbly healthy lunch so we wouldn't feel quite as guilty about dinner. The Pita Pit is GREAT!! I had a big mediterrainian and it was only about 350 cal. Add baked Lays--450 cal. and it was filling too!  Usually it takes about 600 cal for a meal to fill me up, but this was a good one.  It's nice to have this choice in addition to Subway.

297 fancy

This weekend hasn't been restful--today we went to SLC to hear my Mom speak. She did a nice job. But it has been a nice weekend just the same. Today was about perfect food-wise--and exercise-wise too since it's a day of rest. Dave made blueberry pancakes for breakfast, then I had a fancy lunch--tomato basil soup with a baguette brushed with olive oil with tomato and mozzarella balls and spinach drizzled with balsamic vinegar.  WONDERFUL.  Snack of hot chocolate and a fiber one chocolate peanutbutter bar. Dinner was meatloaf and mashed potatoes with pork and beans and veggies.  I made weightwatcher chocolate truffles (45 cal and 1 pt) and had 2 with some gingersnap cookies.  I've also finally got around to making the quick homemade kimchee (LOVE that spicy food) and some whole wheat bread. I can't wait to have cinnamon toast with a bowl of blueberries for breakfast. I just love luxury food.

I was wondering again this weekend what I would buy at the grocery store if neither money or health were an issue.  Fun fantasy--expensive cheeses and artisan breads for sure, real butter, nuts, salamis, olives, expensive mushrooms, berries, tomatoes, chocolates, fancy crackers with interesting spreads, those fattening frozen appetizers that I never buy. I wonder what my daily calorie count would be then?  I bet it was 8-10,000 a day when we went on our cruise...? Actually, though, I don't think I'd be that much of a glutton--well, maybe I would--I'd just be snacking on rich foods all day long. However, in my dream life I'd burn at least some of it off--hiking in gorgeous places, snorkeling--learning skills like archery, bowling, rowing, tai chi, sailing etc. Who knows? Maybe it would even itself out? The neat thing to think about though is that this life doesn't have to be wholly imaginary. I already do have all those goodies sometimes--I like to hike in the mountains here and I can always take a class in any sport if I really wanted to. As I look back on my life I can see how blessed I've been to do much of exactly what I dream of!

296 cold air and blueberries

Learned something this morning!  Today's run was only to be 5 minutes long. I was thinking that since the time is shorter, I would try to pick up the pace a bit. I forgot to reckon with the weather--it's in the 30's--a nice winter day, but I scorched my lungs the first minute and then the next 4 minutes were not very much fun.  Sill, I finished and that's what counts. Better still, I broke down yesterday and actually printed off some stretches.  I did them too.  I don't know why, but I just can't stand finding the time to stretch. I guess I just want to exercise and get it over, and not prolong things.  But with arthritis in both knees and pushing 50 years old, I'd better stretch--I've been feeling super stiff and tight all week, and yesterday when I jogged 10 min I felt as though I was flirting with injury. 

I did a good thing yesterday after work.  I stopped at Smith's to get some things for dinner and I had in mind to maybe buy some "no pudge" brownie mix (good stuff!). Instead I saw a big container of blueberries for $4. In my mind $4 for blueberries is prohibitively expensive.  $4 for cheese, or brownie mix is fine--but blueberries? Realizing that I was being completely irrational about the money I decided to splurge for once and got the blueberries. For dessert last night we had big bowls of blueberries with milk and splenda and a couple very little snickerdoodle cookies.

295 up

Oh crud. 187.  Up two pounds from last week.  Not good.  At least I'm holding steady in the 180's and that still feels really good to me. Tomorrow we're going to BYU--that means eating out. I think I"ll have Subways rather than J-Dawgs, but dinner will likely be a problem. It's not that restaraunt eating can't be done--it's just that I don't WANT to control myself at a restaraunt.  Rebel dieter for sure!!  I seem to be determined to lose weight while still hanging on to bad thinking and habits. Tomorrow aside, this coming week I'm keeping things down to 2,000 cal period.  If I'm dying, maybe I'll do a week of the simply filling plan. 

Today should be reasonable--but that's why I need to count. Reasonable yes, but weight loss reasonable? Doubt it. In fact, I'm feeling rebellious and mutinous. I just want to be done with the weight off. I don't want to keep working on something that I never wanted to work on in the first place.  Maybe that's one of the deep tap-roots of the problem.  I never wanted the problem, so I don't want to work on it. Childish and silly attitude maybe, but very real just the same.

Still---I may be slow, and stubborn and stupidly fighting--but darn it, I'm still down 21 pounds from where I was this time last year! The jeans I'm wearing today are problematic because they are loose, and I'm working hard on exercise.

I'm going to try to cut myself a lot of slack---not by way of overeating, but by way of trying not to be so hard on myself for failing over and over and over and over. All the difficulties of weightloss aside, this has been a hard year by any standards. I got a daughter through the end of highschool and sent off to college. I'm still new at my job. My mother came down with a severe form of cancer, my father is falling to pieces in catastrophic ways, my sister's drug problem is coming to a crisis. I have a major calling in my church.  Maybe I'm doing well to be making ANY kind of progress at all. Most importantly, I haven't quit, and I'm not going to quit. I have my eye on being able to run a 5K--not walk it, JOG it. If counting the calories doesn't produce results then I'll go back to WW and maybe be there with a little more respect for the program. It's the turtle that won the race after all.  It's just that today I feel like a turtle with three legs and foot problems.

294 Scale Games

I confess I play games with the scale.  Tomorrow is my official weigh morning, but just as a way to prepare for the worst, I got on the scale last night just before bed and after drinking who knows how much all day long plus eating an ice-cream cone. 187. This was exciting because it was at night.  So I get up this morning and the scale is still 187.  Aw phooey.  But I have a good day planned---not a very carefully measured one, but a good one none-the-less.  We finally ate the bean soup I had made and it was very good. So good I brought it back for lunch today. I'll be eating it with a piece of naan and cheese and olives. Totally satisfying and reasonably calorie friendly even with the cheese.  This is the sort of thing I need to be on the watch for--sometimes it's only a difference of 100 calories or so of just the right thing that makes all the difference between feeling just ok, but wishing I could eat more and being totally and completely satisfied.

Calorie-wise I need to tighten things up. A 2,000 max is doable and I hope will help me not do so many silly things.

I've also decided that I do not carry my weight well. I've always thought I did, but I've been frustrated putting up pictures from my Hawaii trip. I swear in some shots I look just as fat as I did at 228!!

293 Camel

These last few days I've been drinking water like a camel. I feel stubborn like a camel too.  I didn't do very well with food yesterday despite being fabulous about the exercise (ran 10 min without stopping! Plus strength training and walking to and from work--in the snow on the way up even). Still, I went and wrote it all out at the end of the day so I could know just how badly things had gone. Nothing all that dreadful--2,600 odd calories. Course that's more than Sean eats even on Thanksgiving day, but I think he's overly restrictive (1,500 cal).  Anyway, it was all good nourishing food, but it's not good being out of control. And today is shaping up in a similar way.  The plan is to take Christine out for ice-cream.  That is easily managed calorie-wise, but so far I'm not managing it. I had a good breakfast--cream of wheat with berries and 2 slice bacon. But lunch was pizza, which is marginal, with an apple and carrots (good). I was still hungry so I ate my snack of wasa crisps and laughing cow cheese right away (ok). But I wanted chocolate--so I hate 1/2  a twix bar and a peanut cluster (Huh?).  Why could I not pass this up full well KNOWING that I'm going to have full fat yummy ice-cream tonight? Why does that justify eating more in the afternoon rather than less?

292 hope

My plans got canceled by snow yesterday, just as well.  I think I found some better--or at least possible treatment options in the meantime.  I'm going to have to be careful about calories tonight.  My breakfast and lunch are reasonable, but I'm not in the mood to be reasonable today. Pure emotional eating.  I feel hopeful and happier--I want to celebrate! This is way premature. The celebrating should be done AFTER Christine and Riley are taken care of not before.  But I'll be ok.  I have flexible calories--and I'm by no means off track.  Also I've been doing great on the exercise front. Walking to and from work in the snow, plus I have my gym workout today and everything ought to be open for that.

191 uptight

A normal day in a way. It's a beautiful wintry day so I put on my boots and walked to work. Food-wise all normal there too. I made some black bean soup for dinner. But the real thing that's going on is my family as always.  I've been trying to go down once a week to help Christine and visit Mom. I dread these trips but I don't always know why--well, yes I do. Although the actual interactions aren't bad, I dread that I might see or hear something that I just really don't want to see or hear. Tonight I'm hoping to get Christine off by herself (maybe take her out for ice-cream?) and do all I can to get her into a treatment program.  I hope against hope against hope that it goes well.  I dread if it doesn't. But I guess I'm trying so if things do go badly and someday I have to react by taking Riley away from her, I suppose I might feel a little less guilty--as if that matters.  On the upside--my family effectively kills my appetite.

290 A day of rest

It's been a nice snowy Sunday.  I think my body is glad for a day of rest.  Other than the short walk to church, I haven't done a thing. We're having lasagne for dinner with garlic naan bread and salad.  I'm still much happier with counting calories for the moment.  A whole quarter of the pan is only 437 cal, but 1/8 of the pan is about 6 points! Calories allow me to have more fat in my diet, which I think is ok--on ww I really think the percentage of fat is too low--it should be at least 20% if not 30.  I'll have to double check--I might just be down on ww, but truly I think that in an effort to keep people losing quickly they go a bit extreme.

289 Foolish again

The Gods of exercise are against me, but I'm winning!  Yesterday I went to the gym for wellness time. "Ran" my five minutes then just began lifting weights when they closed the gym for a track meet! On the bright side, I made a 90 cent profit--someone must have had a hole in their pants.  I decided not to fret about the weights--I honestly did my best.  I came home and did some Just Dance.  It's not strength, but at least it's movement.
    It's been raining for three days straight and today I was slated to run 8 minutes. In the afternoon I finally decided that the rain was not going to get any better and went out the door just as it started to sleet. I began jogging and the sleet came down with real force.  Again I felt and I'm sure looked foolish.  What kind of an idiot goes running in this stuff? But it was fun.  I had my ipod, and it was such a crazy thing to do that it was quite liberating. When I got back I was completely soaked--not damp, soaked. My sweats were wet from waist to heel from the driving sleet.  Normally, I would have just gone up to the gym, but it was closed today as well.  I changed to dry clothes from the skin out, did a little Just Dance (after all 8 minutes isn't much of a workout) and felt proud.  Tonight I ate pizza and cookies. mmmmmm.  I did account for them calorie-wise--note: HOW does Sean survive on just 1500 cal????  I'm coming in between 2,000 and 2,2000  it makes all the difference, and so long as I'm losing weight I'm keeping it that way!  Nevertheless, I'm going out to shovel snow now to atone for the cookies.

288 Looking foolish

185 this morning.  Phew! That's very encouraging.  The other thing I like about counting calories is that I feel as though I have one more healthy plan--I can count calories, count points or do the simply filling plan. All are annoying of course, but since they're annoying in different ways it helps me not blow out completely.  Yesterday was funny--I have my marathon book and I'm determined to get back up to jogging for 45 minutes or so and when I can do a reasonable 5K then I'll decide if I want to press on or just maintain that level of fitness.  Yesterday I was embarrasingly stiff and sore, but I was determined to go to the gym after work and "run" the 8 minutes and then walk home.  I started off for the gym when it dawned on me that the sidewalks were no longer slippery. Hey!  I turned around and headed for home. Once I crossed the really busy street I started jogging, nice coat, big bag, umbrella and all. I'm sure I looked like an idiot but I got those 8 minutes in. Today I have my wellness time--so the plan is strength training, a 5 minute run and I walked to and from work.  Hopefully all that will help with the pizza I plan to eat tonight. :)

287 Stiff

I am surprisingly stiff and tired today. I don't think I should be! I only "ran" for five minutes the day before yesterday.  I wanted to run another 5 yesterday but I was derailed by the weather--which was horrible sleet, and also by visiting teaching immediately after work.  My original plan was to run for 5 minutes worth of the walk home even though I was wearing the wrong clothes and would look stupid. Honestly couldn't do it, the sidewalks and roads were so slick. My hope is that mincing along on the way home was a good core and leg workout and made up for it.  Today is just wet and dreary. I'm going to run 8 minutes today and I'm prepared with my i-pod and workout clothes, I'll just run up to the gym on campus after work and get it done.  I'm very blessed to have a nice gym that is free for me just right there, but that doesn't stop me from whining.  The gym is UPHILL. Weber State is built on the side of a mountain and everything is uphill.  All the better right? Yes, but darn it. It's UPHILL.  Then everything I need is on the bottom floor. I don't know why it feels so unfair to have to get to the gym before I can work out, but it does.  This is one of the reasons I like walking and jogging. I step out the door and (usually) there I am! No time wasted on pesky preparation.

On to happier things.  Another plug for PEHP insurance.  GREAT programs!!  I finally sent in a my weight verification stating that I had officially hit 187.  I was about what? four months late in reaching my goal? No matter! They told me to send in the expenses for weight watchers for November and December for reimbursement.  WOW.  It isn't much money, but the thought that counts here.  The new goal is an exciting 181 to be reached by the end of March.  I can do that!  I'm still impressed with the calorie count site, and am having fun with it. Still low on potassium and iron--and carbs! I'll keep trying to bring that up--I don't know what more to do! I'm eating a banana, spinach and rice today--plus lots of other healthy things, but I'll keep looking and trying to add more potassium and iron rich food to my diet. I'm hoping that by giving myself the nutrients I need, it will help me to crave less food. Also, I had leg cramps again last night.  I'll go a long spell without having any and then WHAM! These seem to improve if I eat bananas another plug for potassium.  The CC site is still clunky for me because I'm not used to it, but I really like how I can also plug in my activity for the day and then it will tell me if, given what I consume and what I burn if I'm runnng a deficit or not.  How cool is that?  Over the last three days I have been at a very modest deficit. I'll have to see how it goes---obviously my calories and activites are not going to accurate to the last calorie.  I'm sure I'll have a tendency to underestimate what I eat and overestimate how much I move, but I'll try hard not to do that. The proof will be what the scale says.  I'm a little worried about tomorrow's weigh in. Last week the scale finally rebelled and gave me a number I more than deserved--189. Naturally, I'm hoping this will magically fall off, but I fear it won't.  No matter.  Carry on!

287 Five minutes

oooooohhhh.  I did my five minute "run" yesterday before I did my strength training.  The best that I can say is that I passed up the girl on crutches.  I wasn't aware before that each leg weighed about 100 lbs.  SHEESH.  In all fairness though, I have to admit that I probably wasn't any worse off than I was 20 years ago when I first tried this program.  Back then, I actually had someone pull over and ask if I needed help during one of my early runs. I'm not exaggerating when I say I'm slow.  Anyway, back then I eventually worked up to the point where I could "run" (shuffle slowly) for an hour at a stretch. I want to get to that point again.  What I REALLY want is to be able to run a respectable 5K.  I don't even care if I'm toward the back of the pack so long as I'm a PART of the pack, and not trailing in alone 15 minutes after everyone else is finished.

286 WOW--cool site!

Wow! Wow! Wow!!!  I am IMPRESSED with the Calorie Count website!!!  I logged in today and for the first time entered my food.  The first thing I like is that I can put in any recipe and it will give me a nutrition label for that recipe.  Also, when you put in your food for the day it gives you an overall grade for the day--today is A- for me.  Then I got a neat surprise!  There is a little link that will tell you if you are missing any major nutrients.  It was lit up so I clicked.  First, I have too much sodium (no surprise), but then I am also short on iron and potassium!  Big surprise! I'm eating a banana and also sweet potatoes.  It will be neat to see if this is a trend, or if I'm just a little short today. 

Today's food is not far out of the common way for me, but it IS neat to see the calories and nutrition facts as I go.  Here's what the plan is for today:

Breakfast--two pieces of diet toast with I can't believe it's not butter
2 clementines
1 oz cheddar cheese
1 cup milk
1 glass diet juice (5 cal)
diet hot chocolate with light whipped cream.

Snacks
baby carrots
3/4 cup caramel cheerios

Lunch
1 naan bread
1 laughing cow wedge
black bean, tomato and feta salad
1 cup o soup
banana

Dinner
turkey burger--with all fixings
sweet potato fries with ketchup and horseradish

All this comes out to about 1850 cal.  Just right.  However, being the total marshmellow that I am, I will probably have a small piece of chocolate after lunch and 100 to 200 calories worth of gooey brownie tonight.  STILL not bad, but I might even see if I can skip the brownie (or at least have a very tiny piece), I'm excited to have a really good day. 

Also fun today--I got my book "marathon made easier!"  YAY!!! It IS the one I had from before Catherine was born and at my peak I could jog for 45 minutes without stopping.  That's where I want to get to again.  I want to do a 5K fun run and not come in last.  The first week plan has me jog for just 5 minutes, then 8 minutes then 5 again.  I must email Catherine--we're going to do the Salt Lake half-marathon in April and we need to get busy to prepare.  Well, at least I do. Catherine has a killer of a dance class to help her get ready. 

285 About right

I've just been fooling around on calorie count.  What a neat program!!  According to it, I'm about dead on track--it claims I burn about 2,100 a day.  SO--if I keep it between 1,500 and 2,000 I should be just fine.  They claim I could hit goal (155) by mid-August.  I suppose that's possible, but it doesn't sound very plausible to me.  I don't know if I'm just stressed out by my family or what, but I seemed to just have ZERO will power this weekend.  Today, for example.  Good breakfast, and even fixed a nice dinner to have ready.  Then we went to see my Mom--poor Mom, she can't last much longer.  It was snowing, so we decided to go to Crown Burger for lunch to see if it would clear up.  It did, but not until I had eaten the full gyro platter with fries.  I wasn't even hungry! Drop Catherine off, and I get ice-cream to boot.  At least I HAVE been craving ice-cream, if that justifies anything.  Today the scale said 189.  Ooops.  For once I'm not even upset.  How can I be? I feel as though the scale has been very kind to me over the holidays.  Oh well, I will do some Dance Dance workout now, and try and try and try again tomorrow.  I'm excited about playing with the new program.

284 Calorie Count

Catherine's home for a three day weekend.  It feels so good to have her!  Unfortunately it also felt good to eat her coconut brownies--so good, I've ordered another batch to be made tonight.  Ah well....  I've decided to give calorie counting a go.  I'm ready for something new.  I've been reading the caloriecount daily post with fair faithfulness and always find it FAR more motivating than weight watchers. The website, which is free, has all the nifty tools that the weightwatchers site has, and I'm in the mood for a new toy.  I realize that it's really all the same--the only way to lose weight is to eat less than I want and move more than I want. Period.  But it will be nice to have a new toy.  I'm going to aim for a range of 1,500 to 2,000 calories a day--with an eye toward keeping it on the lower side.  I'm going to keep the weight watchers online going, in case I burn out quickly with counting calories.  But really, I think I'll be happier with calories--it's simpler, Sean's blog, which I find incredibly motivating is about a man eating 1,500 calories, and I've liked the caloriecount website for a long time--as opposed to weight watchers which just makes me mad.  Besides, I just put in my Naan bread recipie and it only has 162 calories!  RIGHT ON!!!

282 basking

Sorry about the Hawaii post.  It actually belongs to my other blog travelenvelope.blogspot.com everyone is welcome to tune in there for fun virtual travels.  The tech guy here at work fixed the travel blog so it dosen't have a big white space--but now everything looks different when I post and I'm not used to it. 

Food-wise.  Sadly, I think the work chocolate will need to go.  Either that, or simply find a way to bring acceptable snacks. WW encourges snacks, and I agree, but I have a hard time finding the points for them. Today's food was great except for the chocolate.  After a great lunch I had about 5 peanut clusters.  I had some kind of rationale but I didn't know what it was, but the mere fact that somewhere down deep I HAD a rationale was enough to enable me to eat all the peanut clusters.  I wish addictions died a little easier.

Hawaii!!

My mother was crazy enough to take all of us--my husband, daughter, dad, two sisters and nephew to Hawaii the week before Christmas 2011.  This was sort of Mom's farewell trip--she has pancreatic cancer and we were very lucky that she could make the trip and do as much as she did.  Hawaii is an amazing place--the pictures I've seen don't do it justice and I'd like to go back today if I could.  This trip I discovered the website vrbo.com. It stands for vacation rentals by owner.  We rented a terrific house on the north shore that slept everybody and provided some fun extras that one would never get in a hotel--like a whole closet full of boogie boards and sand toys.

281 RECORD!

184 today!!!  A new low! and this low is a milestone--it means I have only 20-something pounds to lose.  That sounds so doable!!  Also fun, on the way to work there was an ad on the radio looking for people with 30 or more pounds to lose to try some product.  HA HA!!  I would not qualify!!!  Also, good since my home scale registers 184 I was able to go to the health center here and have them officially plug my weight in at 187--that means I can start again on the waist-away program and they will pay for weight watchers.  YAY.  Also happily, for the first time in a VERY VERY VERY long time, I weigh less than Dave.  Granted it's only by a few pounds and only because he's put on a bit but still it feels good.  He lost 50 lbs on weight watchers a few years ago, but he doesn't want to do the new program so he's counting calories. He'll lose it much faster than I will, but I'm surprisingly without resentment.

280 not horrible

oooof.  I did strength training yesterday--first time since well before October.  Nice to be able to do it during work, but darn it's still work which surprised me for some reason.  It's funny how habitual my mind is.  Once the workout was over and I was home it was hard to believe I'd done any exercise because it didn't take time out of my day. 

Today I've counted points.  It's not so bad. In fact now I feel a little less guilty about some lunch time chocolate.  For breakfast I had a bowl of oatmeal with blackberries and a glass of milk, for lunch I'm having a whole can of tomato soup, 4 wasa crisps with butter an oz of cheese (feels skimpy, but really it's an ok sized slice, for snacks I have a banana, some clementines and some ww popcorn.  For dinner I'm going to subway and having a six inch with some chips. 

Talk about stubborn!  280 days in and I'm still amazed that I won't starve to death on ww portions.

279 chocolate

Ugh!  Usually, if I have chocolate here I feel secure and can leave it alone, but not these last two days. If I can't leave it alone I'll have to take the bag home and just bring home today's allotment. We'll see.  Whatever works. As always the big thing I need to avoid is deprivation and resentment.  For sure I need to bring some snacks.  It would have been much better to have had a 1 point soup today than 4 or 5 points of chocolate because I was hungry.  Things are a little tough on the point counting front. Yesterday I was on track, but was a bit thrown because I had planned to go to SLC and then the plan changed. Instead I made a terrific stuffed chicken dish from cooking light magazine, but only loosely counted the points.  Tonight's challenge is the RS dinner.  It's supposed to be a "light" dinner--which usually means plenty of calories but not filling. I'll do my best with it, but I refuse to feel guilty about it tonight--I just got back from doing strength training.  Oh my.  I haven't done this since before my knee got hurt in October.  My body is clearly made of pudding. It's wonderful that I can do it during work hours, but darn it, it's still a workout.  I think I'll see if I can get my ipod going.

278 easier--maybe

Huh--I was reflecting that many successful people in the weight loss world claim that things get easier as one goes along.  This morning I was kind of hungry at work, but I ate a banana and was thinking smugly that things really were easier. I was far from full, but I wasn't worried about it because lunch was coming up. Lunch WAS great and I'm fine, but I don't get to be smug--for some reason I just had to have some chocolate covered pomegranet and a peanut cluster.  DARN!!  It just 2 or three points, but I don't WANT to count those points. 

Ah well, keep on trying. Overall it has been an easier day.

277 Fast Sunday

I forgot until late yesterday that today was fast Sunday. I'm growing to really enjoy Fast Sundays--I need the spiritual lift and I sure love having a nice large guilt-free dessert afterward.  Tonight we had meat-loaf with mashed potatoes and carrots. And we'll be having smores toasted by the fireplace in just a few minutes. Really, the overall calories were probably just fine, it's the lack of worrying about it that I love. Wanting to just not worry about it is probably at the core of my real addiction. This is changing slowly as I grow to like the responsibility and empowerment of taking care of my health--still, carefree times are MUCH appreciated.

276 Good food

I've writing this today while I wait for the tortilla chips to cook and then I'm taking an early nap. I'm clearly better but tired.  The backed corn ships are great--I've also made a spinach dip.  The good food is something I really enjoy when I'm trying to eat right. Paradoxically, because there is so much that is restricted, I have to go out of my way to cook all kinds of yummy things that aren't restricted so I can survive with some kind of happiness and the result is very happy indeed--the food is MUCH more satisfying and appealing and fun than when I just eat whatever.  When I eat whatever I quickly fall into a rut.  I fall into ruts with WW too, but they are a little more diversified.  This week I'm counting points carefully and so I have chips in the oven, a spinach dip in the fridge and plans to make date bars for mornings (super yummy).  I haven't figured out dinner tonight because it's leftovers--probably goulash and salad, but for lunch I'm having 30 chips, up to 1/4 of the dip (unlikely I'll eat that much), some clementines and some roast beef sandwiches on homemade sourdough bread. 

The thing I keep forgetting is WHY I'm doing this? This is such a no-brainer, but I honestly forget that eating right will result in lower numbers on the scale, smaller clothing sizes, better skin, lower counts on things like cholesterol and lots of other wonders.  I forget this because when I think of losing weight I'm usually thinking of dreams--being a size 10, weighing 155--not having this problem anymore. I forget that if I count my points and exercise this week, I might see 184 on the scale, and that is an exciting number! Not all of the clothes Dave got me 2 years ago look good yet---but it's almost there.  SO--I'm not counting points just as a meaningless exercise in frustration, but because I want the results that it brings me.  Maybe I should chant that like a mantra. 

275 Feeling Better

Feeling better in every way. Physically, and mentally too.  I was 185 again today!!! Hooray!!  My all time low which I saw for the first time on Christmas Eve!!!  I feel motivated and inspired and rewarded---i was thinking last night whether I should have a piece of pie or a cake truffle ball when it occured to me that I didn't really want either and I certainly didn't need either.  I compromised and had a small peanut cluster. I haven't been excercising, but tonight I will do some gentle wii and tomorrow something else gentle and then Monday be back for real.  I'm excited for both the SLC 1/2 marathon and also to train for next December's 5K Santa Run. I've never been able to jog for any distance---well, ok yes I did the year before Catherine was born--HEY!!!  That's how I can train for both events!!!  There is a book called "Marathon made easier" It's an old book, but I really liked it.  It starts by just jogging for 5 minutes then backing down and then increasing.  I can work through that book jogging for what it calls for and then walking the rest.  I will look this book up right now!  YAY!!

Food wise, I've been lazy about logging into WW, just sort of mentally keeping track.  Tonight is pizza night--so in typical dieter style I'm going to start tracking more carefully tomorrow again. (We go shopping on Saturday).

I also feel so relieved and grateful in general for my body.  I was watching 1/2 ton man yesterday and it showed all kinds of people who are simply HUGE--800, 900 even 1,000 pounds.  Totally bedridden and totally hopeless. I found the doctors maddening.  One doctor was "helping" his patient by putting her on 700 calories a day!!  Who lives like that?? 

274 oops

I could have sworn I wrote yesterday, but now that I think of it perhaps I didn't.  Yesterday was on track although I didn't go to the WW site and log it in.  Today will be close to being on track, but lunch was out of control--so even if the calories overall wind up all right, I know things really weren't all right being out of control helps no one--especially not me!  I took the day off for my cold--true I am coughing and I felt very tired this morning, but I felt much worse on Monday and didn't stay home. I couldn't sleep in much because I had to be awake to call into work then I putzed around with Dave putting away Christmas--I feel as though I've missed Christmas this year because it's been so rushed, but the mess has sure lasted. I had a light breakfast, but I was hungry for lunch. It was a weird one. 1 tortilla folded in half with cheese and grilled with plain yogurt to dip it in, any number of fiber select crackers with almost the last of the Christmas cheeseball, a handful of olives, three slices of bacon,a broiled jalapeno with cream cheese, 1 lipton cup of soup and a clementine, with a little square of chocolate for dessert. Right.  Not at all sure what was going on in my head there--probably not much.  I'm in that annoying phase where I'm really too tired to be awake, but not tired enough to be asleep.  I have the computer room almost under control and I think I'll see if I can nap on the couch.  I think I'm lonely today. Catherine is back at school and Dave is at work and the house is quiet and I'm not quite myself.  Oh well, maybe I'll feel better if the nap is successful. I'm making a lite ravioli dish tonight with snap peas and mushrooms. Getting the house in order is making me feel MUCH better and it doesn't all have to be done perfectly today. I can look forward to a nice evening with Dave and WITHOUT statistics by the fireplace.  I told Catherine I'd make her a Hawaiian quilted pillow--they had wonderful patterns at the Polynesian Cultural Center and we picked out some great fabric last week. Maybe I'll start that tonight. New projects go a long way toward curing just about anything.

273 Feeling encouraged

Today I feel encouraged.  For two reasons I think. First is that I'm having pie pizzaria stuffed cheesy bread for lunch.  For anyone who has not had cheesy bread from the Pie, I am sorry to say you've been living a drab and meaningless existence. Seriously, though--after nearly a year of blogging, I've come to the obvious conclusion that I'm a headonist.  I like the good things in life--good food, good books, good friends, good times. When I put good food into my day like the cheesy bread, then I am much happier with my diet. This is such a "DUH" kind of a notion that I sometimes forget to do it! Opting instead, for something that's quick and on track but also not what I'm in the mood for.  This cheesy bread is pretty much on track, I'm having it with a big cabbage salad and some oranges for lunch.  For dinner I've made a ww chili that's really tasty, but also very low point that will help offset the cheesy bread and keep me well within points.

The other reason I'm encouraged is that this blog has shown me just how much I really eat and that I really can eat a LOT of the things I like and not always in moderation either and still lose weight!!  This morning I was at 186--22 pounds down since April Fools--42 from my all time high. I'm proud of that.  It's been super slow but that's ok because by and large I'm still living the food life I enjoy. If I can lose 20 lbs again this year I'll be at 166 by this time next year---gasp!!! And if it's only 10 then that's ok too--I like the look of that number as well.  Anyway--starting out this New Year I'm happy because I know I'll be taking pitstops along the way. I still owe myself a lunch at the cheesecake factory for starters. This feels good--I'm literally eating my cake and still losing weight. 

272 In control

Back on the wagon. Over the break we saw the new Muppet Movie. My favorite line--one that will no doubt become my theme for this year is from Animal. In the movie he's in an anger management group--whenever he starts going crazy, usually at the mention of drums, he is reminded to be "In Control," and Animal repeats, "In Control" in a joyless tone of voice, and stops the behavior.  Love it.  His voice and attitude are EXACTLY how I respond to weight watchers.  It helps me be "in control" and it helps me stop destructive behavior, but boy, I do NOT like it.  WW has rolled out their new 2012 plan which as far as I can see just means taking points away--the new target is 27 as opposed to 29. It's only two points, but this level of restriction that's a lot!!  Anyway, WW said themselves if the old plan is working to stick with the old plan if you want. I want. But still, I had to go in and manually adjust my points upward, so now I feel as if I'm cheating.  Thanks a lot weight watchers.

Today isn't hard though--I'm still overstuffed, and I can't wait to both get into the 170's and to get out of them!!  I have a cold, but I walked to work anyway.  Next week I can start strength training on work time, and as soon as I'm feeling better, I'm going to start walking with the idea of mixing jogging in as much as possible.