187 a dream

Back from Denver and back to blogging. It was a rough trip. My stomach is still out of sorts--which helped a lot as far as overspending and not going completely bananas with the food. Even still, I "overcame" the off stomach enough to put away some really wonderful very high cal food. Artichoke dip at Old Chicago, the most amazing dessert buffet I've ever seen at the hotel, an italian sandwich at a fancy restaurant, key lime pie at Bubba gump shrimp (wasn't feeling well, so the pie WAS dinner), and a full meal at the Cheesecake factory (feeling better then) with the most amazing chocolate coconut cheesecake. Not surprisingly, I'm up a few pounds at the moment.  In addition to the dicey stomach, my knee went out on the last day! I mean really went out--one minute I was fine, the next I couldn't walk. I went to the Dr. yesterday and I have "femoral patella syndrome"--basically loose knee caps. The right knee cap slipped its groove and that really hurts! The treatment is simple--wear a brace and take anti-inflammatories.  It already feels much better and I'm still holding out hope that I can do the 1/2 marathon. The thing I'm worried about is that I can't walk right now and I didn't walk anywhere near as much as normal during the conference--though the Denver conference center is the biggest thing I've ever seen--and we all did get some good walking in just going from session to session. It's frustrating now not to be able to walk--I WANT to walk and do just dance, I'm going nuts just sitting and sitting and sitting. Besides, walking helps my stomach.  But there's not much I can do except let my body heal and do the best I can.

I want to mention an interesting and vivid dream I had just before we left. In my dream I was talking to my cat, Tigger. It didn't look like Tigger in the dream, but that's who it was. Tigger had done something so terrible and even evil (though I couldn't remember in my dream what awful thing he'd done) that he could no longer stay in the house. I was explaining to him that he couldn't stay and I felt so sad. The dream Tigger was a very mean looking cat (the real one is the most lovable snuggly cat you can imagine). I put him out. It was a pretty winter day and he settled down in the yard in plain sight of the window, just as he might on any day, I wondered if he understood that he couldn't come back. I woke up then feeling sad.  When I shared the dream with Dave he asked me what awful thing he'd done? I laughed because I knew the dream didn't represent him. I wonder if it represents my weight problem? If it does, I think the dream is a really good sign--free for all eating represents love and comfort--just like Tigger. It hurts to say farewell to something that's been such a staple for the way I've always lived my life. But hopefully, that dream tells me that I'm doing exactly that.  Sure, overeating FEELS great, but it isn't my friend. It has only ever harmed me. Overeating pretends to fix everything or to make everything more fun, but it steals my life on every level. Overeating has betrayed me and cannot be forgiven. 

However, having said that--I'm so glad that food isn't banished from my life! Food IS my friend. Food gives me life and it can be very good indeed. I'm not sure everything I ate in Denver was justified, but oddly, the only thing I really regret is that second half of the Italian sandwich. I was full--more than full in fact, but I still ate it. That's a mistake. Everything else was genuinely special and, thanks mostly to my weak stomach, I left food on the plate at every meal.  The other good thing I did in Denver was to download French Women don't get Fat onto my Nook.  There's a book that's on the right track! She advocates a very gentle approach--and a much more conscious attitude toward food than we have in America--not conscious as in I know all the calories etc in every bite, but conscious about how great the food is--and IS it great? And if it isn't, what could I find that would be better? It's the difference between a mediocre piece of store cheese, and a piece of that terrific Irish cheese I found.  I think I still need WW to hold my hand, because unlike the French Women, I'm not very good at stopping at one piece of anything. But it's great to read a book that actually makes portion control sound desireable and appealing! Apparently the French think it's weird to see a plate full of food. Who would want to eat that? Or a meal that's just one thing--like a plate of spaghetti.  I've been thinking about the things I love--I'm going to incorporate more of them in my life--weirdly, most of it isn't American--really good bread, really good cheese, really good chocolate, feta cheese, olives, naan, live yogurt, kabobs, produce in season. I will put these into WW and keep re-reading the French book to teach me that less really is SO much more.