That's it. My little girl is off at college. I can't believe she's really gone. Actually, I WON'T believe it, because she isn't. There are phones, and emails and texts, and better yet, she's only 77 miles away. Visits will be happening. Still....it's not the same. I'm relieved I could go with her yesterday though, and see for myself how beautiful the dorm is. She's got a gorgeous view of the mountains with the Provo temple. I only got to meet one of the roommates, but she seems very nice and the whole building had a floor of friendly excitement. BYU is like that. Very warm and loving. I feel as though I've left her in a good place. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't feel like that.
Food-wise though. What a catastrophe!! On Monday, when I mentioned that I was tired and that was a problem?---oh yeah. Tired, stressed and I figured the house would be upside-down with Catherine trying to pack (She did an awesome job actually). We were all tired so we went to Jim's burgers. I had the gyro plate. Tasty but totally unsatisfying. I left with my stomach feeling full, but still feeling hungry if that makes sense, and definitely feeling as though I wanted more. After packing we managed to play a last round of the Farming Game. There were still brownies left from Sunday. I ate my share and half of Catherine's WITH milk. Totally out of control behavior. Yesterday I didn't even try. We went to Goodwood for lunch where I had nachos. And to the Brick Oven for a late dinner. I wasn't even hungry but I still had a fully loaded salad with plenty of blue cheese dressings and crumbles AND a pizza. But at least I only ate one slice of the pizza (the other three slices are waiting for me here for lunch.) Also we had a yummy chocolate chip with ice-cream and marshmellows dessert.
What am I thinking? To tell the truth, not much. Right now I'm so tired my only goal is to get through work today. I didn't get to sleep till about midnight and I had to be at work at 7:30. That doesn't sound too bad--and one day won't kill me, but I'm a true 8 1/2 hour person and if I don't get it, I really go downhill physically. I didn't have time to make lunch---or more accuratley, I wasn't willing to take the time so late at night or get up any earlier. So today I have the rest of the pizza and a salad (with lite dressing!) that I bought on my break. No idea what's for dinner and don't care very much. Tomorrow I should be right on track with both food and exercise, but Friday night Dave and I are going out just the two of us--because we CAN. THAT will be fun. But after that I should be in the clear to make a solid effort toward weight-loss once again.
Is that total rationalization and excuse making? Probably. I've learned one thing though (again). For me, it's really important to physically get on that WW web site and log in my points. It's not good enough to keep track in my head and it's not good enough to scribble them down on paper either. Logging them in makes it more "official" in my mind. It strengthens my committment. Without real tracking I'm like a driver going without brakes. Sure, it's fine for a little while, but the crash is going to come. I wish this weren't true. But apparently it still is. 144 days FEELS like forever, but it's actually a very short time, and the unhappy fact is that if I quit I would go straight back up to where I started or very close to it.
Even still though I'm feeling stubborn about my process right now. I'm not defending my behavior this week---but I'm still convinced that any program where a person is either "on" or "off" is doomed 99.9% of the time. Sean is the only exception I can think of. He managed to stay "ON", but he's the only one I know who's actually done it. I know for sure I can't do the on off thing. I've tried many many many times and it's just too easy to fall off and then never get back "on" because "on" simply takes too much energy and I haven't learned yet to enjoy being "on". Does that make sense? So, even though I do talk a lot about being "on track" or having gone "off track" in my mind I'm working very hard to get off the track altogether and just LIVE in an ever improving spiral upwards. Everyone has a "diet" so to speak--some include vast amounts of uncontrolled food and are very unhealthy, but it's still that persons "diet". The only possible thing that can work is to change your lifestyle in a real way--not in a "this is the program that I'm artifically following" way. I consider weight watchers to be Artifical with a capital A. However, while wrestling with that program, I am slowly making real progress in really changing my natural lifestyle--I do move more, I AM concerned about my poor choices over the last few days (before, it would take weeks before it would even register that I wasn't eating all that great), discovering better food and coming to grips with how heavy some of my old habits were (large amounts of cheese, nuts, chocolate milk etc.).
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