Sheesh, talk about co-dependent. I'm sitting here worrying about whether or not my sister will approve of what I've done toward Riley's baptism. In a way there's good reason to worry. It's extremely difficult to plan anything with or for my family--there is every chance that anything I have in mind will be undermined at the last minute. That I can deal with--in fact, I don't even care very much--so long as Riley is reasonably happy on the day I don't care about the trappings. What I CAN'T deal with is Lisa if she's mad at me. I'm thinking about the reasons for this. I'm unhappy if anyone is mad at me, but Lisa is a special case. She has too much power. She can, if she wants, make me feel worse than anyone else in the world. (a power she has never used by the way) The huge guilt in my life is that I didn't save my sisters when my family went nuclear. It's probable I couldn't have anyway, but the fact that I didn't do what I might have is what haunts me. I cowered in my own emotional bomb-shelter. Christine is so damaged that she doesn't even realize what happened, so she doesn't blame me, and is consequently a million times easier to deal with. If she ever starts to heal, then I'm in for a world of deserved anger from her. Lisa, on the other hand, is crystal clear on exactly what I did and didn't do and the effects of it on her and everyone else. I have no defense. She's right.
It shouldn't matter--there is absolutley nothing she can possibly say that I haven't thought of a million times on my own. Why should it matter to have what I already know verified? It matters. A lot. She could stab me through the heart and leave me pinned like a bug on a mat. She would never do that intentionally I don't think--but only because she doesn't realize she COULD do that to me.
This is something I obviously need to deal with. I need to make peace with who and what I was and who I am. It would be easier if I was now a completely different person than I was then. I'm not. I AM better. I little braver, a little more able to what's necessary. But I'm a long way from being who I needed to be back then. By the time I get there I'll probably be in my 90's and a fat lot of good that will be.
Enough of that for now. I'm glad to write it out a little bit. It is is the huge issue in my life and it impacts weight loss because losing weight seems so trivial in comparison. But it isn't trivial. Becoming a better person in every way myself will impact those around me. As I lose weight both phyical and emotional I'll be better able to deal with issues both past and present. So. Deep Breath. What happens happens. I'm doing the best I can now, and I can accept my efforts regardless of the fall out.
Food and exercise-wise doing well again. Sunday School teacher brought chocolate and I was waaaaay too interested in the hershey nugget (ate it, even though it was off plan), but other than the nugget was more or less happily in control. I made naan bread--and today will enjoy two pieces---for breakfast today I had a naan with spinach and bacon and for lunch I'll have naan with cheese, plus a cup of soup and fruit. We'll finish the Italian loaf for dinner and I'll still have six points left for dessert or popcorn. Not bad. We're having a heat wave, but the mornings are gorgeous (love Utah!), so I walked to work and will do the weight routine after work. It'll probably be boiling hot on the way home, but since it's on the way home where I can cool off, I don't mind too much.
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