295 up

Oh crud. 187.  Up two pounds from last week.  Not good.  At least I'm holding steady in the 180's and that still feels really good to me. Tomorrow we're going to BYU--that means eating out. I think I"ll have Subways rather than J-Dawgs, but dinner will likely be a problem. It's not that restaraunt eating can't be done--it's just that I don't WANT to control myself at a restaraunt.  Rebel dieter for sure!!  I seem to be determined to lose weight while still hanging on to bad thinking and habits. Tomorrow aside, this coming week I'm keeping things down to 2,000 cal period.  If I'm dying, maybe I'll do a week of the simply filling plan. 

Today should be reasonable--but that's why I need to count. Reasonable yes, but weight loss reasonable? Doubt it. In fact, I'm feeling rebellious and mutinous. I just want to be done with the weight off. I don't want to keep working on something that I never wanted to work on in the first place.  Maybe that's one of the deep tap-roots of the problem.  I never wanted the problem, so I don't want to work on it. Childish and silly attitude maybe, but very real just the same.

Still---I may be slow, and stubborn and stupidly fighting--but darn it, I'm still down 21 pounds from where I was this time last year! The jeans I'm wearing today are problematic because they are loose, and I'm working hard on exercise.

I'm going to try to cut myself a lot of slack---not by way of overeating, but by way of trying not to be so hard on myself for failing over and over and over and over. All the difficulties of weightloss aside, this has been a hard year by any standards. I got a daughter through the end of highschool and sent off to college. I'm still new at my job. My mother came down with a severe form of cancer, my father is falling to pieces in catastrophic ways, my sister's drug problem is coming to a crisis. I have a major calling in my church.  Maybe I'm doing well to be making ANY kind of progress at all. Most importantly, I haven't quit, and I'm not going to quit. I have my eye on being able to run a 5K--not walk it, JOG it. If counting the calories doesn't produce results then I'll go back to WW and maybe be there with a little more respect for the program. It's the turtle that won the race after all.  It's just that today I feel like a turtle with three legs and foot problems.