221 Fat behavior today

Oh well, skinny behavior yesterday, fat behavior today. Scale read 187--meh ok. The fat behavior I'm engaging in is that I want to be very careful counting points--but I'm going to start until Sunday.  Why not sooner?  Well.....tonight is pizza night! and tomorrow we're going to Disney on Ice. Actually, tomorrow might be pretty well on track--who can afford to buy food at something like Disney on Ice? So, I'm not planning on pigging out. The plan is to be on track--But to be very well and carefully on track starting Sunday. That friends, is fat behavior--starting tomorrow, making promises for the future rather than doing the right thing today.

I was reading a story on Calorie Count the other day--this woman was EXACTLY like me. Same age, about the same weight, PCOS, and arthritis. Like me, she battled the first 20 pounds, then she writes that she "quit making excuses" and the rest of the weight just melted off.  It's nice to read about someone who had an easier time at the end!  So why don't I do that?? Why don't I quit making excuses and quit rationalizing some new reason to eat the wrong things on almost a daily basis?  I don't entirely know--two things---I'm simply not quite ready to give up. I can go to the store and see something I want and not buy it and that's ok. But to want FOOD and not eat it----that is NOT ok. Everything yells that I'm missing out! I've forever lost my chance to enjoy whatever it is, and I'm being massively and unfairly deprived!! 

The other reason (excuse?) I don't fight those feelings as much as I could is just plain fear. I do NOT want to fight that battle---get all the way down to goal weight only to discover that the battle has exhausted me and that I can't maintain the effort. The consequence then would be that I'd regain all the weight.  I am just plain afraid of that.

So--I'm trying to maintain a sort of uncomfortable balance. Rather than to fight, to try to change. This makes it hard to tell if I'm being smart, or just rationalizing bad behavior. I suspect it's a good mix of both most of the time. But it's ok to stretch myself and a good bout of careful counting will not hurt me (especially when I fully plan to go to the cheesecake factory next week).  Darn it.  I am simply determined that I am going to both lose weight AND eat whatever I want at the cheesecake factory when I want to.  Wish me luck with that one!